Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Not sure

who is taking lessons from who here?

Sunday, June 28, 2009


I have to start by saying that I had a great time out tonight. Dinner was awesome because I was able to carry on a full conversation. I didn't have to remind Chase to finish what he was eating or ask "do you need to sit in time-out... well then please stop screaming, thank you". I didn't have to cut anything into small pieces or pretend his food was actually my food just so he would take a bite. I was able to just sit there and enjoy great friends, good food and fun conversation.

I am pretty sure we were the rowdy bunch too... a bit too loud I am sure but that's what you get when you give a mom freedom for the night!

The movie was great too... although I may be biased because Ryan was in it...

It was a definite chick flick but it wasn't near as wonky as other ones out there (*cough* Ghost of Girlfriends Past *cough*). It had a sharp wit, good timing and awesome acting. The storyline was sweet and cute, not at all promiscuously creepy like GofGP. Can you tell I wasn't a fan of GofGP? I digress...

The problems came somewhere between the movie and the drive home... this feeling came over me. This profound sense of loss and loneliness. I hate even typing this because I know I am surrounded by so many good friends... and for that I am truly grateful.

On the flip side though... I am very alone when it comes to my family. I know, you have probably heard this before. If you are sick of my complaining please feel free to stop reading... I won't be offended. I will however, continue to write because if I don't, I fear I will never stop crying.

I have no mom.

My birth father didn't make the effort to see me... and he was within an hour and a half from me.

My aunt is stuck in her own misery.

My cousins can't see past the bitterness in their own lives.

Everyone in my family just exists... they exist around each other but not with each other.

I feel like I am running out of family.

I am waiting for the ball to drop.

I am always waiting for the phone call.

I am waiting for Chase to be taken from me.

I am not sure I will ever be ok.

I feel like a broken record. Every few months I cry. Cry for my loss. Cry for my fear. Just cry.

Will this ever go away? Will this ever be ok? Will I ever really accept this?

People don't understand why I need to hear from Adam... why if I don't, I start to panic.

I feel like we should have reached our quota... there is no way we will experience more loss... we have had too much already. But I know better... there is no magic number. We haven't hit a quota... there is no quota. We are still just as susceptible as the next person and that scares me.

I don't know if I could handle it again... I can barely handle it now.

I am really sorry to be such a downer but it isn't all sunshine and roses in my head.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Oh No She Didn't...

Jess did it... she went and had baby #2. Chloe Faith was born on Thursday June 11th and she is just the sweetest little bundle of joy.

Does someone hear a clock ticking?

Anywho... we (the moms) descended on Jess's house yesterday to 1. say hi to Jess, 2. bring lunch, and 3. take turns holding/smelling/cuddling Chloe.

Since Dannette arrived first she automatically got the first turn with Chloe... which is only fair since she had her butt in gear and got there early!

But as soon as Dannette started to waiver... I jumped on the chance to scoop Chloe up!

Chase pretty much noticed right away that I was holding another baby. He wasn't too pushy but his bottom lip was a little quivery and he had some red rimmed eyes... like he was going to start crying.

I quickly pulled him into the fun of holding a baby and asked him to kiss her... to which he obliged ;~)

So sweet...

Isn't she just precious? It's only been 20 months since I had one this size but I still couldn't believe they start off this small!

And of course, because it's us and we are insane....

The ever present group shot... with our newest addition!

Congrats Jess, Josh and Adrianna... thanks for letting us come over and cuddle with Chloe!

In other news... tonight is Mom's Night Out! We are meeting for dinner then heading out to see The Proposal. Should be a blast and I am looking forward to drooling over Ryan Reynolds spending quality time with my friends.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The great irony

in yesterday's post about how the week is just flying by... I forgot to mention my new job!

You heard me right... I am officially employed again!

I am working for my in-laws... answering phones, selling our service, taking estimates and scheduling appointments. The calls can be extremely infrequent (as they are today) or seemingly never ending (as they were Monday and Tuesday ;~) I just keep the business cell with me and take calls as I can... and return the ones that I can't get to.

It's working out great so far! The best part is when I have to go to the office... it means a trip to 'Bam-ma' and 'Joe-Joe's'... not to shabby!

Hopefully soon I will be doing some data entry work for them as well... good for me and good for my MIL. She is seemingly over her eyeballs with things to do! My dad said it best when they started their own business... 'you get to pick the 14 hours a day you work'. So true.

I'm sorry,

where did the week go?

I have grand dreams of posting on a regular basis but life just seems to get in the way.

Tuesday 'the moms' and I decided to head back out to Greenbrier for some more fun in the sun. I figured that I would take my camera but probably not use it...

who's laughing? Cut it out!

Anyway, I thought I probably wouldn't use it because we were just there and really, how many pictures your kid in the water does one parent need.

As it turns out, more than I had.

Chase trying to catch one of the many fish. To any of you that know I am more a city girl than country girl... yes it does creep me out that I am in the same water as fish but I choose to ignore that fact because I love the rest of the experience!

BTW - how cute does Chase look in his water shirt? My little surfer!

And this definitely didn't happen on the last trip but needed to be documented! The best part... whoever was doing the pulling was getting a fabulous resistance workout! (Again, for any of you that know me, yes that is the most training for the 3day walk I have done in weeks. Stop judging me.)

And look at this lovey just playing in the water... I definitely had to capture that moment!

The feet floating in the water... so sweet!

While I was getting packed up to leave (quite the process!) Chase chilled out in his beach chair with 'mamah's' water.

I think I will be purchasing a summer pass. I see us here at least once a week... if not more!

Then today was an extra special day... Jaime, Craig and Jackson came to visit Chase and I! Well technically they were headed to Frostburg for Camp Hope... which meant that they would pass right by our exit... which if they hadn't stopped, would have made me cry for 2 weeks.

So they did the right thing and stopped by!

It actually worked out quite perfectly as I was able to feed them lunch and Jackson got a nice break from the car!

I think THIS is the last time I saw this bundle of joy.

And this is what walked in my door! Oh and I did say walked... at 9 months old. And he is quite good at it! Impressive little dude!

Lucky for me, Jaime is good at posting Jackson updates and videos so I have gotten to see him grow... virtually at least! But boy did it feel good to hold him! So sweet and lovey... and the kid can smile... he lights up the darkest room!

However, in addition to his smiles... he can give you a whole host of other faces...

Like this "I'm a little unsure about what is happening so I will eat my bottom lip" face. (My son on the other hand knows that I want to take a picture and refuses to stay sitting on the chair... and thinks it's hysterically funny ;~)

Or this face... "You put me in these Chase shoes and I am not at all happy about it... you want to rethink that decision" face...

which quickly gives way to the "I'm just joshin ya, these shoes are fine... they're actually quite comfy" smiley face!

I predict this will be his "I'm watching sports, please don't disturb me" face. A couple kids started shooting hoops and Jackson immediately noticed and was transfixed... I see couch time/sports watching with daddy in his future!

3 of my most favorite people in the whole world! It was so great to see you guys and please stop in whenever you are driving by!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day Adam!

I can't imagine a better father for this little boy.

And as much as you love him... I think he is pretty fond of you too...

I had a hard time topping Mother's Day... yeah yeah, it's not a competition... I know! I just want to make you feel as loved and cherished as you make me feel on a daily basis.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Port Discovery and the Beach

Well the beach at the lake... we don't have a whole lotta ocean out here in Hagerstown! But we will get to that later.

Thursday I met up with Christine and Andrew to check out Port Discovery... all I have to say is 'I am a believer!' That place is awesome... and Chase liked it too. We got there as it opened... literally we were #2 and #3 in line and went strong for 2 hours... and we only started to scratch the surface. My plan next time is to figure out a way to get Chase to nap for 30 - 45 minutes while we are there and then we can get up and spend more time exploring!

We went to the water room first.

One Chase caught onto this... there was no stopping him. The jet of water and the snare drum... it was on!

Chase and Andrew working together.

Next we headed to The Diner...

where Chase got right to cooking!

We took some time to ride off into the sunset.

This is in the Mysterious House...

he is his father's son!

Enjoying some time in the ball pit!

We were listening to story time until Chase spotted the goldfish. Which Chase can say... well he says 'gofshhh' but I know what he means... although when he says it, he is referring to the cheddar cracker variety. I think their secret ingredient might be crack... Chase cannot get enough. 'oameel', 'ot dawg' and 'gofshhh' are the 3 things Chase wants to eat at any given point in a day.

Today 'the moms' and I went to Greenbrier State Park to enjoy the beach and lake... and man did we enjoy it. I think we have collectively agreed that this will become a regular occurrence this summer.

Chase LOVED it. As soon as we arrived on the beach, he made a beeline for the water. I scooped him up, lathered him with sunscreen (although I missed a spot on his shoulder... poor little burn ;~( Note to self - get a shirt/short bathing suit before next week!), stuck him in his suit and followed him to the water. To my complete surprise he waded in with little to no hesitation.

We borrowed Jenna's sitting floaty...

Note to self... get one of those before next week!

I would be remiss, and horribly made fun of, if I didn't post this picture...

I swear he wanted in this floaty in the worst way. I think it was the steering wheel ;~) My boy does look pretty in pink though!

Just an FYI - the black box in the picture was one of the moms legs. We made a pact that no pictures of moms in swimsuits are to be put up for public consumption. This pact was made when we went to Shelby's pool on Wednesday but it is a standing agreement ALL summer long... right moms?

Yep... we did another line up shot... it's an addiction with us! That's Jack, Adrianna, L, Chase, Adam, Jenna and Aiden. We actually had one more mom there but she left a little earlier.

The pact doesn't include posting a picture of ourselves... and this one I will allow ;~) That's me and my boy at the lake.

I really couldn't get over how much fun it was. I remember looking around and thinking that this may be what Chase remembers about his childhood... coming to the lake to swim. I don't have those kinds of memories because we moved around a lot when I was growing up. Adam on the other hand can't drive down a street without reminiscing about a baseball game played at a certain field or pointing out a house where a friend used to live. I love to the idea of laying down roots here and I wish for Chase the same roots his daddy feels. I say that knowing full well that we will go wherever God takes us but for now... I can enjoy the idea.

Oh and BTW... hoping you don't get burned is NOT effective sunscreen. Consider yourself warned.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

I love a good deal

Twice a year there is a huge kids yard sale in Hagerstown and a few of us moms decided to get up extra early and get some good deals. We met at Dunkin Donuts at 6 am... had coffee and donuts (like you do) and then headed to the site... at 6:30... because it 'opened' at 7. Well after we sat in the line to park for 15 minutes, finally parked in the back row and started walking toward the sale... we got hip to the fact that people were let in early... as in before 6.

We vow to camp at the site next time.

Still, we trudged ahead hoping to score some good deals.

Personally I was looking for bigger items. Chase has enough small toys... you know the ones that always always seem to be right where you are going to step? Adam and I have put the kibosh on quantity and are focusing more on quality.

So I had my allotted dollar amount in hand and I was ready to wheel and deal.

Except I hate haggling. I questioned the girls about their abilities and got some good tips... keep reading to see if I learned anything.

I believe these were my first purchase(s) of the day. She wanted $2 a piece and I paid $2 a piece... not a great start to haggling. However, I looked them up when I got home and the median price I found was $11 a piece... so, not too shabby.

From left to right: Skarloey, Percy, Lady, Thomas, Duncan

My second purchase of the day was this gem. Let me start by saying that Chase has become enamored with Elmo. He asks for him a lot lately, whether in TV or book form. I also had in my mind that it would be fun to have a tool bench for him. She was asking $10 and I offered $8... sold! I did it... I haggled... well I technically just asked... but I still got it for less money! My mom would be proud.

Oh and we looked this up later and found prices ranging anywhere from $50 - $260... I think the higher prices are because this may not be available anymore. That's the only plausible explanation we can come up with. Whatever the case, still a great find.

Oh and it has all the pieces it comes with... a rarity!

Next I saw this bead maze and just loved it. Chase plays with the one in the doctors office every time we are there... and this one has cars and trains... score! She was asked $7... I offered $4... she countered with $5... sold! I did it!!!! I haggled!

I fell in love with this... although we will probably keep this tucked away for a little while. I think it is still a little 'old' for Chase... plus tomorrow morning will already look like Christmas! This was marked "Never Opened $30.00"... I offered $20 and she took it! Just for asking... LOVE IT!

$5 for 5 puzzles + a bag... I paid it. I was tired. Once I opened it at home I saw a tag on the bag that said 4 puzzles and the price was $24... so I still consider this a win!

Probably one of my favorite buys of the day...

Little Tikes Play Smarter Cook n' Learn kitchen! Let me back up to say that Chase loves playing with these little kitchen sets. 3 of our friends have one and Chase has been showing more and more interest when we are at their houses. The last time, I started thinking about actually investing in one for him... but I was loathe to because of how girly they are. Now I am all for breaking down gender stereotypes... especially if my little man wants to be a chef but him playing at a pink and white kitchen with a lovely scalloped purple awning... I couldn't wrap my mind around it.

Enter this kitchen (which Dannette pointed out to me... thanks girl!). It's perfectly masculine yet has all the necessary kitchen items! I was sold. She was asking $35... I offered $25 and she said yes!

It came with all the parts you see here... which truth be told, there are a few (probably a quarter) missing but if and when I want to add to or replace... it will be a heck of a lot cheaper. Plus, Chase doesn't know they are missing! <> <>

Close up of the food and utensils!

This was SO much fun and I am just pleased as punch at all the great deals I got. I cannot wait for Chase to wake up and discover all the new toys to play with!

Scratch that... yes I can. I am tired and I was up at 5! Goodnight all!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Exhausted... but in a good way!

Chase and I needed a change of scenery so we set out for Pasadena yesterday. It started with wanting to visit Kare Kare and thank her for the awesome pool and evolved into a play date at Downs Park with Christine and Andrew.

I wasn't sure what to expect when it came to Chase's napping... he tends to fall asleep in the car but only for brief periods of time. He held strong for the first half of the trip but after an impromptu pit stop to fix my windshield wiper*, I looked in my rear view mirror to see this:

As suspected, the lull of the car was too much for him!

*Driving 75 65 miles per hour on route 70 in the rain and watching your windshield wiper flip from parallel to perpendicular = terrifying!

2 of my most favorite people in the world...

Andrew is SO his parents child... both Christine and Greg cannot keep their eyes open for the camera! This apple did not fall far!

We enjoyed an empty playground for a while... especially lovely when you have 2 very unsteady little ones!

Will you just look at how big he is getting? Unreal...

The playground started to get busy (re: older kids = nervous mom) so we set off looking for more adventure.... and found this pier. There were 2 older gentlemen fishing off the end of the pier... well all they had caught in 3 hours was a 4 inch fish... does that even count?

Oh the hair... I love the hair. Leo... no high and tight for my kid!

After the pier we walked the trails and found a small beach. This was very exciting for me because Chase had never set foot on sand, let alone dipped his toes in water!

The sand was no big deal to him... just another fun way to get dirty! The water though... it intrigued him... he kept reaching his arms out to get to it but always being sure to pull his body back so he wouldn't actually touch it.

My little ponderer.

Could be a new favorite mother/son picture!

Oh and Christine is pregnant with the next addition to the T family! More and more babies... I love it!

This kid is fearless... I mean downright fearless. Climbs on anything he can grip, runs as fast as his unsteady legs can carry him and in this particular instance, nose dove into the water... splashed sand and salt water everywhere and then wrote it off like it was no big thing!

One thing that I love about this age is the intensity of their play. When Chase decides he wants to be doing something, hell or high water can't distract him.

I caught a picture of both of them deep in play.

After we said goodbye to Christine and Andrew, Chase and I headed to Adam's office.

Kare Kare had another surprise waiting for Chase when we got there... bubbles!

Chase showing Kare Kare how he likes bubbles blown on his belly... a little gym phenomenon!

Not only did Kare Kare get Chase regular bubbles... she got the big magic wand of bubbles!

... and set it up right there in the office!

The best thing about this picture... you might notice there is no end to the wand in Kare Kare's hand... well it went flying after a particularly forceful wave ;~)

I see some fun on the deck in our future!

On the way home I prayed I would see this in my rear view mirror:

which obviously I did... but only for 35 minutes. Like I said... the car puts him to sleep but fails to keep him asleep! Oh well, he handled the rest of the ride home pretty well and it was TOTALLY worth it!

I see more road trips in our future!

Oh yeah... then I came home to make dinner... with no recipe. Just a basic idea of what I wanted to make... and the hope I could pull it off.

And I did it! It wasn't tremendous or anything... I am still learning how and when to use spices but it was pretty darn good! Pretty good for no recipe!

Chase really liked it too...

Oh and he is pretty much feeding himself exclusively now... where did my baby go?