Sunday, June 28, 2009

Quota

I have to start by saying that I had a great time out tonight. Dinner was awesome because I was able to carry on a full conversation. I didn't have to remind Chase to finish what he was eating or ask "do you need to sit in time-out... well then please stop screaming, thank you". I didn't have to cut anything into small pieces or pretend his food was actually my food just so he would take a bite. I was able to just sit there and enjoy great friends, good food and fun conversation.

I am pretty sure we were the rowdy bunch too... a bit too loud I am sure but that's what you get when you give a mom freedom for the night!

The movie was great too... although I may be biased because Ryan was in it...

It was a definite chick flick but it wasn't near as wonky as other ones out there (*cough* Ghost of Girlfriends Past *cough*). It had a sharp wit, good timing and awesome acting. The storyline was sweet and cute, not at all promiscuously creepy like GofGP. Can you tell I wasn't a fan of GofGP? I digress...

The problems came somewhere between the movie and the drive home... this feeling came over me. This profound sense of loss and loneliness. I hate even typing this because I know I am surrounded by so many good friends... and for that I am truly grateful.

On the flip side though... I am very alone when it comes to my family. I know, you have probably heard this before. If you are sick of my complaining please feel free to stop reading... I won't be offended. I will however, continue to write because if I don't, I fear I will never stop crying.

I have no mom.

My birth father didn't make the effort to see me... and he was within an hour and a half from me.

My aunt is stuck in her own misery.

My cousins can't see past the bitterness in their own lives.

Everyone in my family just exists... they exist around each other but not with each other.

I feel like I am running out of family.

I am waiting for the ball to drop.

I am always waiting for the phone call.

I am waiting for Chase to be taken from me.

I am not sure I will ever be ok.

I feel like a broken record. Every few months I cry. Cry for my loss. Cry for my fear. Just cry.

Will this ever go away? Will this ever be ok? Will I ever really accept this?

People don't understand why I need to hear from Adam... why if I don't, I start to panic.

I feel like we should have reached our quota... there is no way we will experience more loss... we have had too much already. But I know better... there is no magic number. We haven't hit a quota... there is no quota. We are still just as susceptible as the next person and that scares me.

I don't know if I could handle it again... I can barely handle it now.

I am really sorry to be such a downer but it isn't all sunshine and roses in my head.

8 comments:

SissyKristin said...

Oh Jess....I can definitely see and understand where you're coming from. Nothing will ever make what you and adam have been through easier. I am the same way with needing to hear from Patrick. I start the what if game ten times faster than most people. I also think that grief is cyclical and there isn't an end. Maybe the cycle gets bigger or smaller, but never stops. I think that's normal from what we have been through. The key words are "I think". It's all my opinion and how I have handled things. I still vent to Patrick or cry to my in laws and vice versa. If you EVER need to talk, cry, vent.... You know where I am. And our family would love to adopt you guys, just know that we are our very own brand of New York crazy. Xoxo

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I'm sort of in the same boat, only both my parents are deceased and I no longer have contact with my brother. I do keep in touch with some cousins and aunts/uncles. It is sad. If you feel a need to cry, then get it out. You still have your husband and son, and loads of loving friends.

In-Sung said...

This is very honest to your feeling. I am glad at least you get to let it out. I feel like crying with you though. Sending you lots of HUGS~

Mandy said...

I don't know what to say, Jessi. I won't pretend to know how you feel. You know I'm here if you need me. And you know I'm happy to watch Chase anytime you need some "me" time.

Let yourself be sad; let yourself grieve your loss. But don't forget to remind yourself of how lucky you are too. You have an awesome husband, a super sweet baby (with great hair :)), and friends who love you.

Hope you feel better soon :)

KaraB said...

Never apologize for what you go through. You own it, and it's not your job to be roses and sunshine for everyone. It is your job, however, to talk to kind old men at biker bars in central Florida :-)

Seriously, some days are harder to get through than others, and I think you should do whatever you need to...friends, hubby, baby boy, Ben & Jerry's...to climb back into the light.

Hope brighter days are just around the corner :-)

Ebeling Family said...

Saying extra prayers for you!
I am so happy for you that you have a great husband and a wonderful little boy (who I know keeps you very busy and on your toes!)- cherish your family :)
And as for the rest of your family, maybe they need to be reached out to- it's a hard first step, and I am not sure if maybe you've tried already, but people react differently to loss, and don't know how to deal with it. Maybe all they need to know is that you are there praying for them.
1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

I hope your day is getting brighter!

~Em

kathi said...

Babe, I wish I could just give you a hug. I understand. I do. I'm sorry you're sad.

dkamfam said...

I know all of life is a journey and you have to journey through and process through everything that happens to you, but I have no idea what you have been through. I could never say I understand it. I just hope that each time you cry it helps a little and takes you one step closer to whatever wonderful things lie ahead! Hugs.