Saturday, May 09, 2009

Mother's Day

I just watched Grey's Anatomy. Yeah, yeah, I know... soap opera drama. Sue me, I am hooked.

There was one scene towards the end where Alex took a barrette out of Izzy's hair and a chunk of her hair came with it... she was officially losing her hair to the chemo. They looked at it and Izzy broke down sobbing. The terror in her face at the thought of what was happening was overwhelming... for me.

I was too young to appreciate the thought of asking my mom what she went through. What was her reaction when she was diagnosed? Who did she tell first? Did she sit me down and explain it or just play it off as doctor visits?

I wish I had... I wish she could tell me her story. She must have been terrified. She was 34, going through a divorce and mom to a 7 year old. She lost her mother in that same year. I wonder if losing her mom affected her the same way it's affected me.

Selfish can't even begin to describe me back then. Not that I think I was any different from any other 26 year old... I just hadn't matured enough to know better. I didn't know then what I would want to ask now.

I wish I knew my mom's story.

I wish I could tell her Happy Mother's Day.

I wish I could tell her what a wonderful mom she was, flaws and all.

I wish I could tell her that she makes me want to be a better mom to Chase. She makes me strive for my best.

I have nothing more to give tonight so I will leave you with one of my favorite pictures.

*Sorry if this is the most depressing Mother's Day post ever... it's hit me harder than I expected.


Emily said...

beautiful (yes, a little sad) entry....I can't imagine, either, what this must be like for you.
You are and will continue to be a wonderful mother, and remember that what you are now has SO much to do with how your mother was with you- (I know I see myself becoming more and more like my own mother today.)
I'll pray that you can enjoy this mother's day to the fullest- enjoy you family, your new home, and hopefully there will be something beautiful and happy that will happen that will remind you of your mom, too.

Vintage Ruby said...

i don't think it's depressing at all, it brought tears to my eyes, but it's beautiful. i'm sorry you don't have the answers to your questions, but i would bet your mom knows everything you long to tell her and she'll be smiling extra big tomorrow up in heaven. I'm sure she's very proud of the mom you've become. happy mother's day to you and God bless!

kathi said...

I know how hard it's been for you, but can't imagine knowing how hard it must've been for your mom.

My mom passed in her sleep in '91 when Charlie was 2 wks shy of turning 1. None of us knew she had heart disease, but she had called before she went to bed that night to tell me that she loved me. I miss her every single day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I could just call her and tell her something or ask for advice.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY Hon, you are the mother you are today because of who she was. Trust me on this, she is proud of you.

KaraB said...

Happy Mother's Day, Jess. You are a beautiful, vibrant, selfless, love-filled obviously learned from the best. And I know she's so proud of you (now my tears have started). Thank you for sharing this. Now go give those kissable ChaseCheeks a smooch. I could eat him up like a cupcake!

Johnnie Avocado said...

I actually thought this is a wonderful post. MY GOODNESS, you look like your mom. and she looks pretty happy in this pic.

Anonymous said...

You always write a beautiful story about your mom. It is so natural to think about your mom on Mother's Day. It is not depressing. I see this rather sadly beautiful... And Happy Mother's day to you!

The Amazing Trips said...

I'm so sorry that you lost your mom. It's too painful for me to even imagine.

But ditto what Kathi wrote above. You are the mother that you are - because of the mom that you had. She will always live on in you...

dkamfam said...

Everything you say about your mom is filled with such love. I'm so sorry that you don't have her here now, but I am so glad that you have such wonderful reflections on her. I love the photos. Thanks for sharing it.