Quiet in the house

I am laying on the couch and the only sound is the bathroom fan humming. I am too afraid to turn it off right now because I think it provides white noise for Chase who is... drumroll please... sleeping! Yep... it's 9:40 and he has been asleep since 5 after 9. This both terrifies and excites me. Chase is a solid 9 hour sleeper, at least he was last time we attempted an earlier bedtime so the idea that he may be getting up at 6 (or even earlier, yikes) terrifies me. Mama likey her sleep ;~) On the other hand, I have had 30 minutes to my very own to surf the interhighway, write email and do whatever my little heart desires! I really only surfed and emailed... apparently that is what my heart desires.

If anyone has been paying attention to the comments then you will know there is a good chance I was starving my son. A tad dramatic, I know but regardless (not irregardless... I hate that!) he has most likely not been getting enough calories to keep him satisfied. Oh well, lesson learned... thanks guru Diane! We are now on a hard hitting quest to fill that belly at all times! Today he had some fruity stuff with whole grain in the morning and not surprising... he loved it. What was surprising is we tried spinach and potatoes this afternoon and lo and behold, Chase inhaled it. Took down about 3/4 of the jar, which we promptly finished for dinner and started on the second one. I mean I like spinach (always have) but it shocked me to learn that Chase likes it as well. Of course he doesn't like sweet potatoes which Adam and I tend to eat about 3-4 times a week. Truly boring stuff, sorry.

So I have been wanting to write this post about why I hate being a parent. I think about it a lot... formulate ideas in my head, script it out.... ect. Until now I haven't actually started writing anything but what the hey, now is as good a time as any. Remember, I have mommy time!

So, I really only have one reason for hating being a parent... we will get there... lets go over some of the obvious possibilities. Sleepless nights... (the proverbial) 'they' tell you about those. Crying for no reason... the same 'they' tell you about that. The constant worry... 'they' tell you about (although you cannot imagine the depth until you are a parent!). All the other things people are so happy, correction gleeful, to warn you about. I got it. I am currently watching time speed by, I am dreading when he starts talking back and when he starts crawling I will move that chainsaw. Got it.

What 'they' didn't adequately warn me about is the self doubt. Since the day I brought Chase home I have second guessed every decision I have made. I have doubted my abilities in every situation I have been thrust into. I have cried to Adam that I am not doing this right and I want out. (Chase, if you are reading this years from now... I truly do love you with all my heart... mommy was just tired ;~) I really wasn't prepared for the amount of self doubt I could come up with. Nursing, co-sleeping, medication, no cry solution, sleeping, awake time... the list can go on forever. Did I make the right choice... have I royally screwed him up... will this come out in therapy years from now? The craziest thing about the self doubt is I know better. More than a few times a day I talk myself down off the ledge of self doubt. I remind myself that this is the first time I am doing this and no one is good at anything the first time around. I remind myself that all mothers go through this and that somehow all these babies survive and thrive. I remind myself that I am allowed to make mistakes. I remind myself that even if I make mistakes (re: starving my child, see above) I still love that little boy with all my heart and I will do my best to raise him happy and healthy.

If all else fails, I remind myself that he won't remember this time in his life anyway!