Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Quiet in the house

I am laying on the couch and the only sound is the bathroom fan humming. I am too afraid to turn it off right now because I think it provides white noise for Chase who is... drumroll please... sleeping! Yep... it's 9:40 and he has been asleep since 5 after 9. This both terrifies and excites me. Chase is a solid 9 hour sleeper, at least he was last time we attempted an earlier bedtime so the idea that he may be getting up at 6 (or even earlier, yikes) terrifies me. Mama likey her sleep ;~) On the other hand, I have had 30 minutes to my very own to surf the interhighway, write email and do whatever my little heart desires! I really only surfed and emailed... apparently that is what my heart desires.

If anyone has been paying attention to the comments then you will know there is a good chance I was starving my son. A tad dramatic, I know but regardless (not irregardless... I hate that!) he has most likely not been getting enough calories to keep him satisfied. Oh well, lesson learned... thanks guru Diane! We are now on a hard hitting quest to fill that belly at all times! Today he had some fruity stuff with whole grain in the morning and not surprising... he loved it. What was surprising is we tried spinach and potatoes this afternoon and lo and behold, Chase inhaled it. Took down about 3/4 of the jar, which we promptly finished for dinner and started on the second one. I mean I like spinach (always have) but it shocked me to learn that Chase likes it as well. Of course he doesn't like sweet potatoes which Adam and I tend to eat about 3-4 times a week. Truly boring stuff, sorry.

So I have been wanting to write this post about why I hate being a parent. I think about it a lot... formulate ideas in my head, script it out.... ect. Until now I haven't actually started writing anything but what the hey, now is as good a time as any. Remember, I have mommy time!

So, I really only have one reason for hating being a parent... we will get there... lets go over some of the obvious possibilities. Sleepless nights... (the proverbial) 'they' tell you about those. Crying for no reason... the same 'they' tell you about that. The constant worry... 'they' tell you about (although you cannot imagine the depth until you are a parent!). All the other things people are so happy, correction gleeful, to warn you about. I got it. I am currently watching time speed by, I am dreading when he starts talking back and when he starts crawling I will move that chainsaw. Got it.

What 'they' didn't adequately warn me about is the self doubt. Since the day I brought Chase home I have second guessed every decision I have made. I have doubted my abilities in every situation I have been thrust into. I have cried to Adam that I am not doing this right and I want out. (Chase, if you are reading this years from now... I truly do love you with all my heart... mommy was just tired ;~) I really wasn't prepared for the amount of self doubt I could come up with. Nursing, co-sleeping, medication, no cry solution, sleeping, awake time... the list can go on forever. Did I make the right choice... have I royally screwed him up... will this come out in therapy years from now? The craziest thing about the self doubt is I know better. More than a few times a day I talk myself down off the ledge of self doubt. I remind myself that this is the first time I am doing this and no one is good at anything the first time around. I remind myself that all mothers go through this and that somehow all these babies survive and thrive. I remind myself that I am allowed to make mistakes. I remind myself that even if I make mistakes (re: starving my child, see above) I still love that little boy with all my heart and I will do my best to raise him happy and healthy.

If all else fails, I remind myself that he won't remember this time in his life anyway!


chocolate hug said...

Oh I wish I could give you a hug! I admire how much love you pour into the things you do for your family!

Don't forget to remind yourself that you're not alone, and even when you screw up, God is ultimately in charge and he has your whole family's best interest in mind at all times. Don't ever be afraid to ask God to guide your choices as well as bless them. You love your son and your husband so deeply, but even more than that God loves you and it is he that is looking after you at all times!

You are doing a great job dear! It's not easy being a mommy and you don't have to be perfect!

Keeping you in my prayers!


Carrie and Scott said...

So true on the feeding thing. I started nursing before every nap...I try not let him fall asleep (no crutches) but he stays asleep much longer. Tyler is a PIG though. We're only on 1st veggies right now but he can eat 2 containers. I nurse at least 6 times a day (or almost every 2 hours 6am-8pm) and feed solids morning, noon, and night. I feed until he gets cranky or won't open his mouth. If I say "all finished" and walk away, but he cries out for more...I'll give him a few more bites.

I love your comment "The only thing constant about Chase is that he is always changing." So true sister! All we can do is our best...it is heartbreaking when you realize what is wrong and it took so long to figure out! Love you girl! We're all in this together...I'm thankful you're so open and honest about it all.

Vicki said...

I love the way you nail the issues dead on, Jess. And self-doubt is a huge one, for sure. I still struggle with it and I'm 4 kids "ahead" of you! By God's grace, kids are pretty resilient. Love & hugs!

Winnie said...

Jessie --- This is book material!