Ho Hum

The past few days have been kind of status quo. I am here and I am plugging along but my head is somewhat in a fog... one that I can't shake.

Chase is doing well with the night sleeping. He goes down at 7 and is up at 6... I wish he would sleep until 7, or at least 6:30 but we are still tweaking the bed time to try to figure that out. The day napping is still as troublesome as ever. On Sunday he slept for an hour and half... solid... no waking. We chalked it up to a fluke. Then he slept for an hour and I actually had to wake him as not to interfere with bed time. Ok, 2 flukes in one day... my hopes rise... maybe we have turned a corner. Monday... first nap - 35 min. second nap - 40 min. third nap (necessary when sleeping this little) - 0. I want to pull my hair out. I flip flop daily on whether this is ok or not... does he need more sleep? Maybe he is just a short napper ('snapper' as Marc Weissbluth puts it). This is fine, I can handle a snapper. Gack, I need him to sleep longer. More times than not, I get frustrated with him for not napping longer when he is clearly tired... which frustration towards a 9 month old is completely and absolutely fruitless. It only makes me feel like a crappy mom and low down human being. I then convince myself that he just doesn't need the sleep and I become cheerful bouncy mom doing her best to make it work... and it does for a time. Until the day comes (oddly enough, it seems to be every 3rd day) when I. just. need. a. break. I wish, pray, will, beg, bribe him to stay down longer than 30 minutes to no avail. Then back to square one... frustration, crappy mom, convince, bouncy, 3rd day. Vicious cycle.

I am going to try another book... I am just waiting for our library to get it from another branch... spending extra $$ isn't really in the budget right now. My sanity or a gallon of gas... the gas wins out. Hopefully this book will have some insight into the napping situation.

Speaking of the budget... God really knew what he was doing when he put the decision to move before us. This is the last month that we could have stayed here without going into extreme debt. Moving to Hagerstown really will save us from financial disaster (well further financial disaster ;~) A few months ago I was chatting with my dad about Adam and I's finances (he tends to be our guru ;~) and I kind of let it slip out that they only reason I am able to stay home is because mom died. Not that my dad wasn't aware of this but I never really vocalized it before. It seems so strange that I get to have my dream of being a SAHM because my mom died. I mean, I don't really know how life would have gone if she was alive but for present day hindsight... her death afforded me this opportunity. Not that I wouldn't trade being a SAHM for my mother back... I would in a heartbeat but just seeing some of God's great plan... no matter how sad, wows me. It reminds me how small I truly am. This isn't the only instance either... when Adam and I got married I was supposed to move to IN with him for his final year of law school. When it came time, we decided that I should stay home and keep my job so we had steady income. With that plan, I would be moving back into my parents home (something I am apparently proficient at ;~) That was in Aug 2004. My mom died in Nov 2004. Had I moved I would have 1. missed out on those 3-4 months and 2. missed being with her that Sat as she entered the hospital. I hated living apart from Adam but I am damn sure I would have hated missing that time more and for the rest of my life. God's plan for us amazed me then and it amazes me now. I truly can't wait to see what is in store for the future.