For some reason once 2009 hit, I got writers block. Well more accurately, I got lazy. Back in the good ole years, I looked forward to posting... I thought of things throughout the day that I wanted to post about... I would steal away bits of time to post. Lately, it is all I can do to open Blogger, let alone contemplate and actually type a thought out. I am not sure what is going on.
It has been a rough month or so. Around Christmas I was struck with this awful feeling of loneliness. Here I was surrounded by family and all I felt was extremely alone. I type this in the past tense but the truth is I still feel this way. When my mom was alive I had a history and a past. I had a source of information about my childhood and generations before me. When she died I remember feeling that profound loss. Wondering who I would go to for information and who would tell me about my life. Life moved on and I guess I just let go of those thoughts. I was in familiar territory and I knew my surroundings... my past wasn't so far away from me because I was still around a good bit of it. Then I moved and now nothing is familiar, everything is uncharted territory. Friends are new, stores are new, roads are new... even my family is new. I mean they are the same ones I have had for the past (almost) 5 years but they aren't really mine. They can't tell me about past Thanksgivings or tell stories about that time when I (fill in the memory here).
Then I started contacting my 'real' family... which in theory would make me feel less alone but in fact, had the opposite effect. Here I am with these weird awkward email conversations with my birth father... chit chat but nothing real. Not the information I really want to know. How did he meet my mother? What was she like then? Were they ever really in love? What were our 7 years together like? Did we ever do father/daughter things together? Who got Petey for me? Where did Petey go when you gave him away? Was there ever a time when you were really proud of me? Lord have mercy... I could ask unending questions... and I could get very specific. But these aren't the questions I ask. Everything is surface.
Then there is my aunt who said she wanted to visit during the month of January. It's the 2oth and I haven't heard from her since before Christmas when she sent me a powerpoint forward. I am sorry but I haven't the energy or time to care about forwards... especially ones with attachments and especially when you haven't even written anything directly to me. I digress... she made no mention of visiting.
Not that I would trust any stories I heard from these sources... neither were on 'good' terms with my mom when she died. I can't imagine David remembering his time with my mother fondly and telling me stories of their life together, however brief it was. I imagine that he would try to color the picture differently so he appeared in a better light. Wouldn't I do the same thing if I had ignored my child for 22+ years? The same goes for my Aunt. I am sure she would tell stories that showed her in a better light.
Now I don't want to slight the family that I do have. As most of you are aware, I love my Dad dearly (and most of you know that I call my step-dad 'Dad'). I am so glad to have him and he provides me with a bit of the past and history that I am looking for. Unfortunately he only goes back so far... there were many years before he came into our lives that no one else can account for.
Ugh... I feel like I am whining so I am going to end this post. Suffice it to say... I wish I had a sibling... or a close relative... even a life long friend that could help me fill in my life. I honestly feel like an orphan.