Tuesday, January 20, 2009


For some reason once 2009 hit, I got writers block. Well more accurately, I got lazy. Back in the good ole years, I looked forward to posting... I thought of things throughout the day that I wanted to post about... I would steal away bits of time to post. Lately, it is all I can do to open Blogger, let alone contemplate and actually type a thought out. I am not sure what is going on.

It has been a rough month or so. Around Christmas I was struck with this awful feeling of loneliness. Here I was surrounded by family and all I felt was extremely alone. I type this in the past tense but the truth is I still feel this way. When my mom was alive I had a history and a past. I had a source of information about my childhood and generations before me. When she died I remember feeling that profound loss. Wondering who I would go to for information and who would tell me about my life. Life moved on and I guess I just let go of those thoughts. I was in familiar territory and I knew my surroundings... my past wasn't so far away from me because I was still around a good bit of it. Then I moved and now nothing is familiar, everything is uncharted territory. Friends are new, stores are new, roads are new... even my family is new. I mean they are the same ones I have had for the past (almost) 5 years but they aren't really mine. They can't tell me about past Thanksgivings or tell stories about that time when I (fill in the memory here).

Then I started contacting my 'real' family... which in theory would make me feel less alone but in fact, had the opposite effect. Here I am with these weird awkward email conversations with my birth father... chit chat but nothing real. Not the information I really want to know. How did he meet my mother? What was she like then? Were they ever really in love? What were our 7 years together like? Did we ever do father/daughter things together? Who got Petey for me? Where did Petey go when you gave him away? Was there ever a time when you were really proud of me? Lord have mercy... I could ask unending questions... and I could get very specific. But these aren't the questions I ask. Everything is surface.

Then there is my aunt who said she wanted to visit during the month of January. It's the 2oth and I haven't heard from her since before Christmas when she sent me a powerpoint forward. I am sorry but I haven't the energy or time to care about forwards... especially ones with attachments and especially when you haven't even written anything directly to me. I digress... she made no mention of visiting.

Not that I would trust any stories I heard from these sources... neither were on 'good' terms with my mom when she died. I can't imagine David remembering his time with my mother fondly and telling me stories of their life together, however brief it was. I imagine that he would try to color the picture differently so he appeared in a better light. Wouldn't I do the same thing if I had ignored my child for 22+ years? The same goes for my Aunt. I am sure she would tell stories that showed her in a better light.

Now I don't want to slight the family that I do have. As most of you are aware, I love my Dad dearly (and most of you know that I call my step-dad 'Dad'). I am so glad to have him and he provides me with a bit of the past and history that I am looking for. Unfortunately he only goes back so far... there were many years before he came into our lives that no one else can account for.

Ugh... I feel like I am whining so I am going to end this post. Suffice it to say... I wish I had a sibling... or a close relative... even a life long friend that could help me fill in my life. I honestly feel like an orphan.


Vicki said...

Wahhh! I am so sorry, Jess. This post made me want to grab my car keys and drive to H-town cuz I've known you since you were 8! And we've got some history, right? Of course...but you hit the nail on the head when you said the unfamiliar surroundings (and distant "close" family) are bringing out these feelings. Hang on. {{hugs}} You're going to make it!!

KaraB said...

Seems like no matter what the situation, each of us has something that makes us feel so alone sometimes. I hope you feel less alone today. Thinking of you :-)

Johnnie Avocado said...

I definitely think your feeling are valid. I hate forwarded messages too....at least make it personal!!!

Caleb and Adrienne said...

I'm sorry you feel so alone =0( Sincerely....

Christine said...

hey now...i thought i was your lifelong friend(wink,smile)..i have some memories to make you smile...remember the pistachio pudding incident...you remember your mother's face? i do, still makes me laugh...or the disgusting concoction we made..still makes me shiver...or better yet...throwing Jeremy's ring down the hall...prank calling him saying we were Domino's pizza...the Dave Cate argument...say no more!