Yet another dentist appointment. 2 goals. Put on a permanent crown and extract a precarious wisdom tooth. The former wasn't fun... the latter sucked a big one. As I was laying there with her standing (oh yeah, standing for good leverage) over me, I was thinking... am I really letting someone rip a tooth from my person.
As it turns out, yes I was.
So now I sit with a mouth full of gauze and a dull ache watching some mindless television. I hope this heals soon. If you find it in your heart to throw a prayer my way, I would be ever so grateful.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
About me... again...
I've been a little absent lately... sorry about that. It's not that I am busy... well, Adam did get a Wii and we have spent some quality time whooping up on each other... but really, I haven't been around because I just haven't been in a great mood. I was really bummed about dad and Stacie not being able to make it out... and it snowballed from there. I am a little on edge these days and that's not how I like to be. Anywho... just a slightly vague reason on why I haven't been around!
In the meantime I will post this about me, which I stole from my friend Mandi's blog.
A is for age: 30. I don't want to talk about it.
B is for burger of choice: mushrooms, caramelized onions and swiss cheese
C is for the car I drive: Jeep Grand Cherokee... which I love however it does not have heat so I am not thrilled with it right now.
D is for your dog's name: Riley the Wonderbeagle (Riley for short). I suspect he is wondering what happened to his nice quiet life.
E is for essential item you use every day: Computer or ipod... I use them daily.
F is for favorite TV show at the moment: The Big Bang Theory... smart writing, good acting and eerily reminds me of hubby.
G is for favorite game: Texas Hold'em. Haven't played in quite sometime but I enjoy the game.
H is for home state: Texas!
I is for instruments you play: Not musically inclined... in any way, shape or form.
J is for favorite juice: Apple... it was my first word.
K is for whose bum you'd like to kick: at the moment... no one.
L is for last restaurant at which you ate: Nola's... a great bistro in Frederick.
M is for your favorite muppet: Baby Gonzo!
N is for number of piercings: 6, 5 in ears (although one might be closed ;~) and one belly button (yes, I kept it through the pregnancy!)
O is for overnight hospital stays: does an overnight in the ER count? If so, 4... that's my best guess.
P is for people you were with today: Adam, Chase, MIL, FIL and Adam's grandma
Q is for what you do with your quiet time: check e-mail, watch a little TV, work on crafts/projects, play the Wii with hubby
R is for biggest regret: not doing a mother/daughter spa weekend with mom
S is for status: married
T is for time you woke up today: 7:45... woken by my human alarm clock
U is for what you consider unique about yourself: I wear my mother's wedding set
V is for vegetable you love: Spinach
W is for worst habit: I am with Mandi... procrastinating
X is for x-rays you've had: at least 4... probably way more than that
Y is for yummy food you ate today: Italian prosciutto eggs benedict at Nola's... very yummy but a little too much hollandaise sauce ;~) Oh and leftover potato and ham soup that hubby made from scratch!
Z is for zodiac: Virgo but that stuff is a bunch of whooey.
If you copy and repost, let me know so I can be sure to check it out!
In the meantime I will post this about me, which I stole from my friend Mandi's blog.
A is for age: 30. I don't want to talk about it.
B is for burger of choice: mushrooms, caramelized onions and swiss cheese
C is for the car I drive: Jeep Grand Cherokee... which I love however it does not have heat so I am not thrilled with it right now.
D is for your dog's name: Riley the Wonderbeagle (Riley for short). I suspect he is wondering what happened to his nice quiet life.
E is for essential item you use every day: Computer or ipod... I use them daily.
F is for favorite TV show at the moment: The Big Bang Theory... smart writing, good acting and eerily reminds me of hubby.
G is for favorite game: Texas Hold'em. Haven't played in quite sometime but I enjoy the game.
H is for home state: Texas!
I is for instruments you play: Not musically inclined... in any way, shape or form.
J is for favorite juice: Apple... it was my first word.
K is for whose bum you'd like to kick: at the moment... no one.
L is for last restaurant at which you ate: Nola's... a great bistro in Frederick.
M is for your favorite muppet: Baby Gonzo!
N is for number of piercings: 6, 5 in ears (although one might be closed ;~) and one belly button (yes, I kept it through the pregnancy!)
O is for overnight hospital stays: does an overnight in the ER count? If so, 4... that's my best guess.
P is for people you were with today: Adam, Chase, MIL, FIL and Adam's grandma
Q is for what you do with your quiet time: check e-mail, watch a little TV, work on crafts/projects, play the Wii with hubby
R is for biggest regret: not doing a mother/daughter spa weekend with mom
S is for status: married
T is for time you woke up today: 7:45... woken by my human alarm clock
U is for what you consider unique about yourself: I wear my mother's wedding set
V is for vegetable you love: Spinach
W is for worst habit: I am with Mandi... procrastinating
X is for x-rays you've had: at least 4... probably way more than that
Y is for yummy food you ate today: Italian prosciutto eggs benedict at Nola's... very yummy but a little too much hollandaise sauce ;~) Oh and leftover potato and ham soup that hubby made from scratch!
Z is for zodiac: Virgo but that stuff is a bunch of whooey.
If you copy and repost, let me know so I can be sure to check it out!
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Unfortunately...
my dad and Stacie won't be visiting for Christmas this year. Dad broke... nee shattered his ankle yesterday. He is going in for surgery today in order to repair it... complete with pins and metal. On so many levels this is sucky news. Please pray for him and Stacie.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Church Shopping
I am going to start by saying if I could move all of Bay Area Community Church to Hagerstown... I would. I miss Bay Area so much.
I miss the fellowship. I had been attending for about 14 years and I made some great friends there... I had history and I knew people.
I miss the physical structure. It was our new debt free building. It was large but yet remained simple and to the point.
I miss the feeling of belonging. Adam volunteered with the Bay Cafe (making coffee) and with Crossroads (doing the V part of AV). I was a nursery volunteer (with the exception of the year Chase was born ;~) We had places to serve.
Most of all, I miss Greg, the senior pastor. I had a connection with him that I will always treasure. He married my mom and step dad, he married Adam and I and he presided over my mother's funeral. Life altering moments and he was there. I also miss his sermons. Each and everyone got to me. He has the knack of knowing just what to say and how to say it. He was funny, entertaining, knowledgeable and poignant. It takes a lot to keep my attention and he always had it. I miss being fed by his sermons.
Have I gotten the point across that I miss my old church?
That being said, Adam and I have been on the hunt for a new church. Now with the background info you just learned... you can imagine I have pretty high standards. I struggle with each church... is it a good church and I am just not giving it a fair shake because of my prejudice or am I right to hold a church to this standard?
A couple of the churches have been nice... we just haven't felt the connection. I am not sure if that happens on the first or second try but I imagine it's a little like meeting the person you eventually marry. The moment I saw Adam I thought he was adorable and I got butterflies... I didn't know then that we would eventually be married but there was a spark. I think that is what should happen when I am in the right church.... I don't know if we will end up attending but there is a spark. Am I right to wait for that or is it an impossibility and I am shortchanging the church?
We have been to one church where we left knowing that we most definitely would not be back. I am not one for writing off anything quickly but almost as soon as we entered, I knew it wouldn't be the place for us. Unfriendly nursery staff, windowless nursery rooms, (IMO) an unhealthy attachment to Joel Osteen, a 'rock band' worship team with songs that were impossible to sing along to, a woman giving the sermon who had many anecdotes about her children but frightfully little scripture... and even more terrifying, a warped view on the difference between DNA and social issues. I digress... I hesitate speaking ill of a church but I was more than a little frightened.
So our search continues.
One of the most frustrating things about searching is the childcare. I won't leave Chase in a nursery when I don't know the people watching him, what the standards and rules are and what the atmosphere is like. So that means Adam and I have to keep an active 1 year old still for at least a solid hour. As you can imagine that doesn't happen very often. Usually I end up leaving the service and hanging out in the nursery... not a bad deal if you want to know more about the childcare. However, on one such occasion we were in the nursery/toddler room there was a 10 month old, Chase (1 year old), a 2 year old, a 5 year old and a 7 year old. I tried to do a little digging as to why there were so many different ages and the woman who was 'in charge' had to ask her daughter (14 years old)... who didn't understand what she was asking (in the daughters defense the mother was not being clear)... so really it was the 'who's on first' conversation of church childcare... and I never got my answer. The only thing I did find out... not one of the kids were related to each other, which would have made at least a little sense. In addition, I found a small bead (probably from a child's broken bracelet) on the floor. I am sure it was innocent enough but this is also a piece of plastic that could cause my inquisitive child to stop breathing and die.
Again, I am comparing these nurseries with Bay Area's nursery... and Bay Area's nursery was phenomenal. There were always at least 2 adults in each room... and on top of that at least 1 -2 helpers (teenagers). They followed Maryland code for the ratio of children to adults; 3:1 for babies and toddlers and 5:1 for 2's and up... usually far exceeding the ratio. There were sign in sheets, corresponding numbered bracelets, an 'in charge' person overseeing the whole Sunday morning operation... and my favorite, a numbering system that would discreetly let you know when your child was inconsolable and you were needed. Anyone that knows Chase knows that was necessary for us.
So these 'rinky dink' childcare operations scare me a little.
Anyway, I think I am just venting here. I know we will eventually find the place for us... it's just way more difficult than I thought. I never really worried about this before... I ended up at Bay Area because that is where my mom started going... this is my first church hunt as an adult ;~) Look at me grow!
I miss the fellowship. I had been attending for about 14 years and I made some great friends there... I had history and I knew people.
I miss the physical structure. It was our new debt free building. It was large but yet remained simple and to the point.
I miss the feeling of belonging. Adam volunteered with the Bay Cafe (making coffee) and with Crossroads (doing the V part of AV). I was a nursery volunteer (with the exception of the year Chase was born ;~) We had places to serve.
Most of all, I miss Greg, the senior pastor. I had a connection with him that I will always treasure. He married my mom and step dad, he married Adam and I and he presided over my mother's funeral. Life altering moments and he was there. I also miss his sermons. Each and everyone got to me. He has the knack of knowing just what to say and how to say it. He was funny, entertaining, knowledgeable and poignant. It takes a lot to keep my attention and he always had it. I miss being fed by his sermons.
Have I gotten the point across that I miss my old church?
That being said, Adam and I have been on the hunt for a new church. Now with the background info you just learned... you can imagine I have pretty high standards. I struggle with each church... is it a good church and I am just not giving it a fair shake because of my prejudice or am I right to hold a church to this standard?
A couple of the churches have been nice... we just haven't felt the connection. I am not sure if that happens on the first or second try but I imagine it's a little like meeting the person you eventually marry. The moment I saw Adam I thought he was adorable and I got butterflies... I didn't know then that we would eventually be married but there was a spark. I think that is what should happen when I am in the right church.... I don't know if we will end up attending but there is a spark. Am I right to wait for that or is it an impossibility and I am shortchanging the church?
We have been to one church where we left knowing that we most definitely would not be back. I am not one for writing off anything quickly but almost as soon as we entered, I knew it wouldn't be the place for us. Unfriendly nursery staff, windowless nursery rooms, (IMO) an unhealthy attachment to Joel Osteen, a 'rock band' worship team with songs that were impossible to sing along to, a woman giving the sermon who had many anecdotes about her children but frightfully little scripture... and even more terrifying, a warped view on the difference between DNA and social issues. I digress... I hesitate speaking ill of a church but I was more than a little frightened.
So our search continues.
One of the most frustrating things about searching is the childcare. I won't leave Chase in a nursery when I don't know the people watching him, what the standards and rules are and what the atmosphere is like. So that means Adam and I have to keep an active 1 year old still for at least a solid hour. As you can imagine that doesn't happen very often. Usually I end up leaving the service and hanging out in the nursery... not a bad deal if you want to know more about the childcare. However, on one such occasion we were in the nursery/toddler room there was a 10 month old, Chase (1 year old), a 2 year old, a 5 year old and a 7 year old. I tried to do a little digging as to why there were so many different ages and the woman who was 'in charge' had to ask her daughter (14 years old)... who didn't understand what she was asking (in the daughters defense the mother was not being clear)... so really it was the 'who's on first' conversation of church childcare... and I never got my answer. The only thing I did find out... not one of the kids were related to each other, which would have made at least a little sense. In addition, I found a small bead (probably from a child's broken bracelet) on the floor. I am sure it was innocent enough but this is also a piece of plastic that could cause my inquisitive child to stop breathing and die.
Again, I am comparing these nurseries with Bay Area's nursery... and Bay Area's nursery was phenomenal. There were always at least 2 adults in each room... and on top of that at least 1 -2 helpers (teenagers). They followed Maryland code for the ratio of children to adults; 3:1 for babies and toddlers and 5:1 for 2's and up... usually far exceeding the ratio. There were sign in sheets, corresponding numbered bracelets, an 'in charge' person overseeing the whole Sunday morning operation... and my favorite, a numbering system that would discreetly let you know when your child was inconsolable and you were needed. Anyone that knows Chase knows that was necessary for us.
So these 'rinky dink' childcare operations scare me a little.
Anyway, I think I am just venting here. I know we will eventually find the place for us... it's just way more difficult than I thought. I never really worried about this before... I ended up at Bay Area because that is where my mom started going... this is my first church hunt as an adult ;~) Look at me grow!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Christmas Party
Tonight was our Christmas Party... 16 adults and 8 children! It was mayhem from the time we stepped in the door (20 minutes late... sorry again about that guys!)
Our big goal was to get a group picture of the kids...
This is the best picture from the photo shoot! From left to right... Anna, Jenna, Adam, Adrianna, Sadie, Chase, Laura and Jack (barely making it in the picture!)
Chase opening his present from Laura. What a difference a year makes... it's so much fun to see him so interactive... I can't wait until Christmas morning!
The fam!
We had lots of fun... good food, great friends and lots of toys! However, by the end of the night Chase was ready to go... I have a feeling he will sleep very soundly tonight!
Our big goal was to get a group picture of the kids...
This is the best picture from the photo shoot! From left to right... Anna, Jenna, Adam, Adrianna, Sadie, Chase, Laura and Jack (barely making it in the picture!)
Chase opening his present from Laura. What a difference a year makes... it's so much fun to see him so interactive... I can't wait until Christmas morning!
The fam!
We had lots of fun... good food, great friends and lots of toys! However, by the end of the night Chase was ready to go... I have a feeling he will sleep very soundly tonight!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I am such an idgit
I want to make a public apology... I assumed the writer of artofthecoupon.com was a guy when in fact she is a girl! I am really really sorry! As I wrote to her... what's the old adage... to assume makes an a$$ out of you and me! Lesson learned ;~)
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Nail on the head
I came across this poem on artofthecoupon.com. In all complete honesty, I could not believe how right on the nose this guy got it! Enjoy!
College graduation was approaching fast
And I heard the mantra, get a job at last
But, alas, jobs were few and far between
The hours were long and the pay was lean
And so, in a flash, the answer came to me
Can’t get a job… get an advanced degreeMy family was supportive, with encouragement a plenty
But when it came to tuition, there was not one more penny
No problem there, the dream needn’t fade
Aunt Sallie Mae came to my aid
With nary a thought, I signed on the line
What was I thinking, I was out of my mind
I never thought to ask and they didn’t say
Just how much I would one day have to pay
So here I am, diplomma and all
Including a loan payment sure to be my downfall
The bill’s two thousand a month, my choices are few
Get a Big Firm Job- its the thing to doBut wait, there’s a problem that I never expected
Working sixty hours a week, my family neglected
Selling my soul to pay off this debt
Suddenly doesn’t seem like a very great bet
I want a job that I actually like
But I can’t tell Sallie Mae, go take a hikeStill got the payments, what are my choices
Plus, the country falls into a financial crisis
Banks get handed money, left and right
Meanwhile, I cut spending, my budget is tight
And as I pay and I pay, with nary a shout
But I can’t help thinking, where’s my bail outWe’re living back at home with mom and dad
At almost thirty, that seems a little sad
But paying our debt is the responsible thing
We don’t want our credit to have a big ding
Some day when the payments are finally gone
We’ll get to buy a home, and finally move on
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Phew...
We made it through the night! He slept 12 solid hours... no waking... no sickness... no throwing up!
YAY!
He's been acting normal today and we've had no signs of sickness. I have to think that whatever he had was due to something he ate and not a viral thing. He never even had a fever!
All I have to say is THANK GOD! I mean if it happened again, I would have dealt with it but man am I glad that's over! Ick.
Oh and update on the ongoing family drama... M (mom's sister) actually called me on Thanksgiving to say hi and wish me a happy holiday. I guess I was wrong in this post (gasp, I know... it happens once in a great while). She plans on visiting sometime in January. We'll see how it goes! And I wrote David back and kept it very light and happy. I really didn't feel the need to be anything other than that... at least right now. Who knows what the future holds... maybe one day I will be able to ask him why her and not me? For now, I am just enjoying the holiday!
YAY!
He's been acting normal today and we've had no signs of sickness. I have to think that whatever he had was due to something he ate and not a viral thing. He never even had a fever!
All I have to say is THANK GOD! I mean if it happened again, I would have dealt with it but man am I glad that's over! Ick.
Oh and update on the ongoing family drama... M (mom's sister) actually called me on Thanksgiving to say hi and wish me a happy holiday. I guess I was wrong in this post (gasp, I know... it happens once in a great while). She plans on visiting sometime in January. We'll see how it goes! And I wrote David back and kept it very light and happy. I really didn't feel the need to be anything other than that... at least right now. Who knows what the future holds... maybe one day I will be able to ask him why her and not me? For now, I am just enjoying the holiday!
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
I'll spare you the gory details
but I now know what it's like to take care of a sick child. Not the sniffles or an occasional cough... not even the respiratory infection we have already dealt with... no, we are talking about the full on sick.
Now when Chase was a baby he would spit up... that was his 'thing'... and it was funny and annoying. This... this was not spit up. We have entered the world of vomiting... and it sucks. He threw up... not once, not twice, not 3 times... 4 separate times in 3.5 hours. I have never seen terror in his eyes like I did when he was in the middle of it... not even when he busted his lip. I wanted so bad to make it stop but all I could do was hold him and try to sooth him. It makes me shudder to even think about it.
Needless to say we are on a strictly bland diet with teaspoon fulls of Pedialyte. I am hoping and praying that he sleeps through the night without getting sick and wakes up good as new tomorrow... please pray with me ;~)
Now when Chase was a baby he would spit up... that was his 'thing'... and it was funny and annoying. This... this was not spit up. We have entered the world of vomiting... and it sucks. He threw up... not once, not twice, not 3 times... 4 separate times in 3.5 hours. I have never seen terror in his eyes like I did when he was in the middle of it... not even when he busted his lip. I wanted so bad to make it stop but all I could do was hold him and try to sooth him. It makes me shudder to even think about it.
Needless to say we are on a strictly bland diet with teaspoon fulls of Pedialyte. I am hoping and praying that he sleeps through the night without getting sick and wakes up good as new tomorrow... please pray with me ;~)
Monday, December 08, 2008
Writers Block
I am not sure why but I am having a hard time writing a post these days. It's not for lack of events and information...
I could talk about going to see the NY City Rockettes in Baltimore thanks to my best friend C...
I could talk about the boys "cutting down" our Christmas tree while the women watched the young one (and what Christmas tree cutting adventure would be complete without this picture?)...
I could talk about our attempt to see the Antietam Battlefield lit up with candles but as we watched the line of cars snake around for 3 miles we gave up and went home...
I could talk about baking sugar cookies with my hubby and what a great time we had and the terrific results...
I could talk about this phase that Chase seems to be going through (hopefully short) where he gets angry and cries so easily that I think my hair might fallout because the headaches are so bad...
I could probably spend hours talking about the perils of being sick and a stay at home mom to an ACTIVE 1 year old...
but for some reason nothing really ever materializes... so you are left with a slightly disguised bullet point post. Sorry about that. I hope the holiday spirit has hit you all!
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Livestrong Challenge
My dad is going to take the Livestrong Challenge... biking for 100 miles!
He has joined Team Fatcyclist... which was started by one of his favorite bloggers Elden Nelson.
Please check out my dad's site for the reasoning behind accepting the challenge and please please please, if you feel led, donate to his cause. Dad will be matching the total donation amount... and Google has agreed to match the total donation (up to $3,000) as well so really any donation is actually tripled! I am so very proud of my dad for doing this... please check him out and show your support!
He has joined Team Fatcyclist... which was started by one of his favorite bloggers Elden Nelson.
Please check out my dad's site for the reasoning behind accepting the challenge and please please please, if you feel led, donate to his cause. Dad will be matching the total donation amount... and Google has agreed to match the total donation (up to $3,000) as well so really any donation is actually tripled! I am so very proud of my dad for doing this... please check him out and show your support!
Monday, December 01, 2008
Shaggy
- It is long and wild.
- Every morning it is heading in a different direction.
- It can be tamed with some water but 10 minutes under a winter hat ruins it.
- Pigtails have formed on either side of your neck but the middle remains short.
- It has probably led people to mistakenly think you are a girl.
- It is fine but thick.
- It is the hair you were born with.
I cannot bring myself to cut it. I will be holding off as long as possible. It's just another reminder of what a big boy you are.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Gas price truth
Oh how I wish I could pay $0.38 a gallon every time I fill up. In actuality the gas was $1.78 and I had 140 bonus points at the adjoining grocery store... which translates to $1.40 off per gallon. Not too shabby when you consider you need groceries and gas!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Families
I have been thinking about this post for the past few days... how and what to write... in what light did I want to paint my life. Then I received a response from a friend, Adrienne, who, in the course of her email, said "I thoroughly enjoy your updates because I know you won't censor them. Thanks for being so honest about your struggles.....along with all the joys! I really respect that!" - So here it is. My honest feelings.
I am so disillusioned with families these days. As you know, I have been reaching out to particular people in my family... with varying results.
I have been exchanging emails with David (my biological father) for the past week or so.
Let me stop and provide a little background. When I was only months old, I attended David and my mothers wedding... presumably I was the reason for the wedding ;~) They stayed married for 7 years and I have a few memories... some good, more bad. When I was 7, David divorced my mom and my mom and I left the house. I visited him on weekends for about a year and then contact pretty much stopped. Around that time David married a former flame who had a daughter about 8 or 9 years older than me. I spoke with him on rare occasions... you could count on one hand from age 8 until 18. The last conversation I had with him ended poorly because I called too late... at 10.
Back to present day. The emails have been civil... your basic getting caught up kind of information. He even provided me with some medical background (he has cancer) so that I might keep it in mind for Chase when he is older. We have avoided any sticky topics of conversation... partly because we are on email and partly because... well, they're not pleasant to talk about. I was ok with things until his latest email. In previous emails he had stated that Laura was my half sister... which shocked me because I only ever thought she was a step. The last email stated that his wife corrected him and said she would be my step sister... not my half. Then he went on to say
Now please don't get me wrong... I am of the opinion that if you feel close enough to someone, drop the step. I don't call my dad "stepdad" even though technically he is. Adam doesn't call his dad Joe "stepdad" even though technically he is... nor does Adam refer to Nick as a half brother because Nick is his brother, that's it. I am all for ditching the step or the half.
However, may I say "KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE" He's going to write that to me? Of all people? I am sitting here trying to figure out if he is stupid or uncaring... I don't know which I wish for.
Also, let me point out that I LOVE... and I mean truly LOVE when men take on roles to which they are not assigned. My 2 great examples are my dad and Adam's dad Joe. I love Adam's dad Joe because he fell in love with Sandy and then fell in love with her boys. He walked into an instant family and didn't look back. My dad did the same thing with my mom... and I was 17... and we all know how trying 17 year old girls can be! But he did it and with a glad heart I believe. He helped me through college, he saw me through (lots of) dating and he helped shape my perception of what a man is supposed to be. I love him for everything he has done and am so glad he continues to be in my life. So I get it... men stepping into roles they weren't assigned is a wonderful thing.
However, Laura loses a father and David steps in to play daddy to her? What about the actual blood related daughter that God assigned to him? I wonder if he ever, in all the years of being her 'father', once thought of me and wondered if I had a father? Again, I am trying to figure out if he is stupid or uncaring.
I haven't yet responded to him... quite obviously I am not sure what I will say. I do know that it won't make me bitter or hateful again. I spent years on that wasted emotion and I would rather not go back. I am hurt though and I am not sure how to deal with that. I am not sure if telling him is the way to go or just pushing it off would be better. It's a gray area that I am still trying to find my way through.
For all the frustration I feel right now, I am still glad I sent the announcement. In my emails with David, he put me in touch with his sister and her daughter (Aunt B and Cousin C) to which I am extremely grateful. I have very fond memories of my childhood with them and have often looked back at pictures wondering how they are doing. It has been wonderful catching up with them and I look forward to staying in touch and one day reuniting.
As for the other side of my family... even more turmoil. I received this email from M...
I called her and when she answered it was actually very movie like... her breath drew in and I sensed a shaking in her voice. She was definitely happy to hear from me. We exchanged the "hi, how are ya's" and spent a few minutes catching up. She was actually very close, within 30 minutes, to Hagerstown a few weeks prior. Turns out she has a friend that lives in Martinsburg and visits somewhat regularly. She was extremely excited that she would be able to see Chase and me on her next visit.
Now for you astute readers... you may have picked up on something that I noticed as soon as I read her email. "I have prayed to hear from you or your mom". I have spent the past 4 years wondering if M knew about my mother's death. I always assumed she did because so much of my mother's family knew... I thought that somehow, someway the news would have gotten back to her.
I was wrong. She then said "So how is mom?" I inhaled deeply and said "I am not sure how to say this but we lost mom 4 years ago." Again, her breath drew in and she was speechless. I filled in the silence by adding that it was actually 4 years ago yesterday, Nov 12. She sputtered and stammered for a moment... asked how... was it the cancer? Yes, it was the breast cancer... it had metastasized to various parts of her body and it got to the point where it was impossible to keep fighting it because it was in too many places... her head, her legs, her lungs.
I never apologized for not contacting her but I did say that I thought the news would have gotten back to her because parts of the family knew. She said that she often wondered if mom were ok but that cousin 3 would tell her "if something happened, someone would have contacted you".
We kept moving through the conversation and she seemed to react as well as I could have expected... especially in light of the curve ball I just threw her. She made sure she had my correct number, she wanted to call and catch up when she wasn't at work. She was sympathetic to me about losing mom. She still seemed interested in my life. Just before we got off the phone (I could hear them calling her for a meeting) I asked her which of the cousins had the baby... I knew she was a grandma and I wanted to know who had the baby. She hastily informed me that cousin 3 had a baby in Feb 06... a little girl. She, the baby and cousin 2 were living out of state but that she talks to them often and sees them when she can. She then told me that she, cousin 3 and cousin 2 were estranged from cousin 1. Apparently cousin 1 cut them out of her life... just stopped calling or taking their calls. Somehow M found out that cousin 1 had a baby boy around the same time I had Chase but that cousin 1 still won't talk to the family.
We hung up and I sat back and thought about their estrangement. My first thought (albeit not a nice one) was "karma's a b****, isn't it M". Hey, I said I would be honest. I quickly dismissed that thought because even with the bad blood between our families, I don't wish that for her.
I spent the next few days forgetting about all the family insanity and enjoyed myself at Rose's wedding. I can honestly say I didn't think about any of this stuff while I was there and it was wonderful!
When I got home, I discovered that I had received a return to sender birth announcement. Apparently I had an incorrect address for cousin 2 and cousin 3. Not related to the returned birth announcement... I started to get the feeling that I wouldn't be hearing from M. I had this sense that she was angry with me for not contacting her when mom died. I decided to use the returned announcement as an opening... I emailed her to get their new address. That was 5 days ago and I still haven't heard from her. Now I know, she may not check her email on a regular basis... she could be busy... she could be this that or the other thing. Any of those things could be true but I have the sneaking suspicion that she is angry with me.
I don't know how I will handle the situation moving forward but I do know that I will not apologize for not contacting her. It wasn't my responsibility to inform her of our life changes. I am sorry that she didn't know and that she wasn't there but that is the risk you run when you cut someone out of your life... especially someone with cancer. If she wants to be angry with me then I can't stop her but I won't let her anger rest on my shoulders.
Even though M and David have caused me some frustration and sadness, I am still not sorry I sent the birth announcements. I believe I made the right decision and I am still very happy and content with my life. I'm not sure what I will do with any of this... just ride it out and see where it takes me I guess! I just needed to vent here. Thanks for listening. I feel like I am living in a soap opera.
I am so disillusioned with families these days. As you know, I have been reaching out to particular people in my family... with varying results.
I have been exchanging emails with David (my biological father) for the past week or so.
Let me stop and provide a little background. When I was only months old, I attended David and my mothers wedding... presumably I was the reason for the wedding ;~) They stayed married for 7 years and I have a few memories... some good, more bad. When I was 7, David divorced my mom and my mom and I left the house. I visited him on weekends for about a year and then contact pretty much stopped. Around that time David married a former flame who had a daughter about 8 or 9 years older than me. I spoke with him on rare occasions... you could count on one hand from age 8 until 18. The last conversation I had with him ended poorly because I called too late... at 10.
Back to present day. The emails have been civil... your basic getting caught up kind of information. He even provided me with some medical background (he has cancer) so that I might keep it in mind for Chase when he is older. We have avoided any sticky topics of conversation... partly because we are on email and partly because... well, they're not pleasant to talk about. I was ok with things until his latest email. In previous emails he had stated that Laura was my half sister... which shocked me because I only ever thought she was a step. The last email stated that his wife corrected him and said she would be my step sister... not my half. Then he went on to say
"Neither Laura nor I like that term “step” because of the bad connotations it has so we have never referred to each other as step this or that. Laura’s biological father passed away several years after Aster and he were divorced."I'm sorry... what? Bad connotations? What connotations does "abandonment" or "rejection" stir up for you? What about "fatherless"? Give you a warm fuzzy?
Now please don't get me wrong... I am of the opinion that if you feel close enough to someone, drop the step. I don't call my dad "stepdad" even though technically he is. Adam doesn't call his dad Joe "stepdad" even though technically he is... nor does Adam refer to Nick as a half brother because Nick is his brother, that's it. I am all for ditching the step or the half.
However, may I say "KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE" He's going to write that to me? Of all people? I am sitting here trying to figure out if he is stupid or uncaring... I don't know which I wish for.
Also, let me point out that I LOVE... and I mean truly LOVE when men take on roles to which they are not assigned. My 2 great examples are my dad and Adam's dad Joe. I love Adam's dad Joe because he fell in love with Sandy and then fell in love with her boys. He walked into an instant family and didn't look back. My dad did the same thing with my mom... and I was 17... and we all know how trying 17 year old girls can be! But he did it and with a glad heart I believe. He helped me through college, he saw me through (lots of) dating and he helped shape my perception of what a man is supposed to be. I love him for everything he has done and am so glad he continues to be in my life. So I get it... men stepping into roles they weren't assigned is a wonderful thing.
However, Laura loses a father and David steps in to play daddy to her? What about the actual blood related daughter that God assigned to him? I wonder if he ever, in all the years of being her 'father', once thought of me and wondered if I had a father? Again, I am trying to figure out if he is stupid or uncaring.
I haven't yet responded to him... quite obviously I am not sure what I will say. I do know that it won't make me bitter or hateful again. I spent years on that wasted emotion and I would rather not go back. I am hurt though and I am not sure how to deal with that. I am not sure if telling him is the way to go or just pushing it off would be better. It's a gray area that I am still trying to find my way through.
For all the frustration I feel right now, I am still glad I sent the announcement. In my emails with David, he put me in touch with his sister and her daughter (Aunt B and Cousin C) to which I am extremely grateful. I have very fond memories of my childhood with them and have often looked back at pictures wondering how they are doing. It has been wonderful catching up with them and I look forward to staying in touch and one day reuniting.
As for the other side of my family... even more turmoil. I received this email from M...
Oh Jess, I can't begin how happy I am to hear from you. My prayers have been answered, it's like a miracle. I have prayed to hear from you or your mom since this terrible thing happened years ago. I have so much to say and to catch up in this e-mail would go on for days. Your baby is so beautiful, hopefully, I can see him soon. My home #xxx-xxx-xxxx, my cell is xxx-xxx-xxxx,please call me! I really have something to be thankful for this Thanksgiving! With lots and lots of love, Mxxxxxxx.At first glance it seems genuine and heartfelt but knowing what I know about the past, I was still extremely guarded. I decided to call her the next day while Chase was sleeping... which happened to be in the middle of the day. I did this because I knew she would be working and I didn't want this to be a long drawn out conversation... at least not the first one. I wanted to scope out her attitude and her real interest in me and then decide how far a friendship would go.
I called her and when she answered it was actually very movie like... her breath drew in and I sensed a shaking in her voice. She was definitely happy to hear from me. We exchanged the "hi, how are ya's" and spent a few minutes catching up. She was actually very close, within 30 minutes, to Hagerstown a few weeks prior. Turns out she has a friend that lives in Martinsburg and visits somewhat regularly. She was extremely excited that she would be able to see Chase and me on her next visit.
Now for you astute readers... you may have picked up on something that I noticed as soon as I read her email. "I have prayed to hear from you or your mom". I have spent the past 4 years wondering if M knew about my mother's death. I always assumed she did because so much of my mother's family knew... I thought that somehow, someway the news would have gotten back to her.
I was wrong. She then said "So how is mom?" I inhaled deeply and said "I am not sure how to say this but we lost mom 4 years ago." Again, her breath drew in and she was speechless. I filled in the silence by adding that it was actually 4 years ago yesterday, Nov 12. She sputtered and stammered for a moment... asked how... was it the cancer? Yes, it was the breast cancer... it had metastasized to various parts of her body and it got to the point where it was impossible to keep fighting it because it was in too many places... her head, her legs, her lungs.
I never apologized for not contacting her but I did say that I thought the news would have gotten back to her because parts of the family knew. She said that she often wondered if mom were ok but that cousin 3 would tell her "if something happened, someone would have contacted you".
We kept moving through the conversation and she seemed to react as well as I could have expected... especially in light of the curve ball I just threw her. She made sure she had my correct number, she wanted to call and catch up when she wasn't at work. She was sympathetic to me about losing mom. She still seemed interested in my life. Just before we got off the phone (I could hear them calling her for a meeting) I asked her which of the cousins had the baby... I knew she was a grandma and I wanted to know who had the baby. She hastily informed me that cousin 3 had a baby in Feb 06... a little girl. She, the baby and cousin 2 were living out of state but that she talks to them often and sees them when she can. She then told me that she, cousin 3 and cousin 2 were estranged from cousin 1. Apparently cousin 1 cut them out of her life... just stopped calling or taking their calls. Somehow M found out that cousin 1 had a baby boy around the same time I had Chase but that cousin 1 still won't talk to the family.
We hung up and I sat back and thought about their estrangement. My first thought (albeit not a nice one) was "karma's a b****, isn't it M". Hey, I said I would be honest. I quickly dismissed that thought because even with the bad blood between our families, I don't wish that for her.
I spent the next few days forgetting about all the family insanity and enjoyed myself at Rose's wedding. I can honestly say I didn't think about any of this stuff while I was there and it was wonderful!
When I got home, I discovered that I had received a return to sender birth announcement. Apparently I had an incorrect address for cousin 2 and cousin 3. Not related to the returned birth announcement... I started to get the feeling that I wouldn't be hearing from M. I had this sense that she was angry with me for not contacting her when mom died. I decided to use the returned announcement as an opening... I emailed her to get their new address. That was 5 days ago and I still haven't heard from her. Now I know, she may not check her email on a regular basis... she could be busy... she could be this that or the other thing. Any of those things could be true but I have the sneaking suspicion that she is angry with me.
I don't know how I will handle the situation moving forward but I do know that I will not apologize for not contacting her. It wasn't my responsibility to inform her of our life changes. I am sorry that she didn't know and that she wasn't there but that is the risk you run when you cut someone out of your life... especially someone with cancer. If she wants to be angry with me then I can't stop her but I won't let her anger rest on my shoulders.
Even though M and David have caused me some frustration and sadness, I am still not sorry I sent the birth announcements. I believe I made the right decision and I am still very happy and content with my life. I'm not sure what I will do with any of this... just ride it out and see where it takes me I guess! I just needed to vent here. Thanks for listening. I feel like I am living in a soap opera.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Florida Part 2
We got to the house around 11 and it was clear that there was still much to be done. Again, we jump into the 'what can we do' mode. I am not sure at what point I became the wedding planner but it definitely happened. I think my keen sense of bossing people around took over and by the end of the night I was on a first name basis with the caters, buddy buddy with the DJ, and the go to person for questions and direction. I basically just tried to follow the instructions in the coveted 'wedding binder'... God love you Rose for being so FREAKING organized!
Finally the time came and Rose walked down the aisle... brick stone aisle that Nick's parents put in specifically so Rose and Nick could be married under the oak trees...
It couldn't have been a prettier more perfect setting and it couldn't have happened to a better couple! This picture is one of my favorites because the 3 of them form a heart shape... cheesy but cool!
A better view of the path and the trees where Rose and Nick were married.
My absolute favorite shot of the day... they are just so beautiful!
MZ, Kara, Laura and I enjoying the reception... I think that was wine glass number 3 of 4. I should have stopped at 3.
With the happy couple! BTW... totally want to move into Nick's parents house. It was so gorgeous!
I stole the bride's shoes and tried them on... totally awesome aren't they! Nick wore pink paisley socks with his suit so they matched!
It couldn't have been a prettier more perfect setting and it couldn't have happened to a better couple! This picture is one of my favorites because the 3 of them form a heart shape... cheesy but cool!
A better view of the path and the trees where Rose and Nick were married.
My absolute favorite shot of the day... they are just so beautiful!
MZ, Kara, Laura and I enjoying the reception... I think that was wine glass number 3 of 4. I should have stopped at 3.
With the happy couple! BTW... totally want to move into Nick's parents house. It was so gorgeous!
I stole the bride's shoes and tried them on... totally awesome aren't they! Nick wore pink paisley socks with his suit so they matched!
The entire day was fantastic... from helping get things rolling, to watching Nick and Rose exchange vows, to partying it up with good friends. It was one of the best weddings I have attended!
Round about the 4th glass of wine I decided (much to the happiness of those driving me home) that I should switch to water. I downed 2 bottles at the wedding and another 3 glasses at OB's. Oh, what is OB's you ask... only the most rocking biker bar in town. I am not sure how it was decided but MZ was on the hunt for a good Grey Goose drink so OB's is where we went. I can't even begin to explain how much we stood out from the local crowd. I made fast friends with a local yokel in the corner who informed me that he had been drunk for 40 years. Awesome. We enjoyed the scene for a little longer and then called it a night.
Thankfully the insanity next door and the Spanish wedding were no where to be found and we passed out as soon as we hit the room!
The trip home was much less eventful than the way there... thank goodness!
Dropping the car back at the rental place... good riddance to the PT!
It was an awesome weekend and I am really so glad I could be a part of it... Rose and Nick, what do you say, same time, same place next year? I'm game!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
While I was gone
Chase took over 2 hour naps for daddy. Today, he took a 30 min nap. Seriously I want to rip my hair out. I don't know what I am doing wrong but now I officially know it is me.
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