I have made mention of my ongoing biological father woes (re: HERE and HERE)... well they just shot into the 21st century something fierce and I wasn't prepared for it.
We have been communicating via email for about 9 to 10 months now and it's been ok. We aren't really breaking down any walls but we are communicating and that's a start. One of the last exchanges mentioned that he was coming to VA for work, I mentioned how close it was to where I lived and the next response I got was that he was back home. I was pretty hurt that there wasn't even a mention or thought to try to meet but whatever, I don't know his side of the story and I was fairly ambiguous about it.
Then I got an email from Facebook... a friend request... see where I am going with this? Yep, my biological dad friend requested me. Seriously folks, take a step back and just think about how freaking weird that is. At first I thought it was more 'ha ha funny' than anything. I mean getting a friend request from someone that I am blood related too but haven't see in 20+ years. Freaking funny. Until a few days later when I remember that I have to do something with the request. I have to accept, deny or ignore... either way, I have a choice to make.
I did it. I confirmed his friend request. I looked on his page but it was largely under construction... he is new and hasn't completed all the information. I closed it out and went about my other internet hopping. As time ticked on I got more and more panicky. I had just opened my world to him. He was going to see my entire life. I can't undo what he sees and reads.
2 hours later, I ended the panic attack by removing the friend connection.
I decided that opening up my Facebook world to him is asking too much. I post status' regularly, I add pictures and videos with alarming frequency, I have my blog addresses linked in my info section... if you are my FB friend, you know my life. And the thing is, I don't care if he reads these blog posts about him. These are my feelings and I am entitled to them. If he didn't want me to write them, he should have been a better father. Own up to the fact that we weren't around for the past 20+ years. Change what I say in the future.
My real fear was the fact that he would get to know me without having to talk to me... he could just hide behind a computer and learn every little tidbit about me. He would get away with ignoring me for the past 20+ years. I couldn't stomach that thought.
I deserve to know why. Why he left in the first place. Why he never called. Why his step-daughter is his daughter when I am no one to him. Did he know how sick my mom was. Did he care what would happen to me. I deserve to ask the questions that no one else can answer now. Why did he and my mom get involved. What does he remember about our life together. Did he ever love my mom.
If he wants to get to know me on anything other than a superficial level then I am entitled to ask these questions. I know I may not like the answer but I have the right to ask them. And I don't want to be cheated out of that.
I emailed him explaining why I removed the connection. I said I was sorry and it wasn't meant to be hurtful but that it was just too much too soon. I said I hope he understood and that we could still communicate via email.
I hope he does understand but really, it's in God's hands. I'll be ok with whatever he writes back.