Tuesday, February 14, 2006

I don't make the rules

For Mother's Day 2004 I made my mom a card. Truth be told, I made the card at 10 or 11 the night before. I forgot about Mother's Day and was scrambling to do something last minute. To this day I don't know if my mom knew that or not... if she did then I feel like a heel and if she didn't then I feel like a fraud... I did the only thing I know how to and got a little creative and very sentimental.

That was the last Mother's Day that I was going to spend living in her home. We had never spent a Mother's Day apart. Not even when she was in California for treatment the year before... I flew out there and dad and I surprised her. It was wonderful. But this year was the last so I wrote a card and here is what it said...

Dear Mom, What can I say on my last Mother's Day in your house. What a wonderful life you have given to me. I don't think I would be half the person I am without you as my guide. It seems like just yesterday I was this young impressionable little girl looking up at you. I followed your every move and mimicked your every step. How wonderfully that has served me. You have given me every advantage in life by just being the person you are. You have taught me what it means to be a strong independent God-fearing woman by just living your life. When things could have been the worst for us God turned it around and made you and I best friends. I wouldn't have wanted to share the past 25 years with anyone else in the world. As exciting as it is to be getting married and starting this phase of my life, it is terrifying to know that you won't be in the room next door. I will miss just being able to curl up on your bed and recount the day, or asking your advice about a certain outfit, or crying with you when I just need to cry or laughing when I just need to laugh. Even though I won't be able to do those anytime I want, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will always be your little girl. And I know no matter how much distance there is between you and I, we will always be best friends. You can't even begin to imagine how much you mean to me and how lost I would be without you.
I love you.
Love, Jessi (aka pumpkin)

That was our last Mother's Day together. I read that card at my mothers wake. I have been told I made it all the way through but I don't remember.
About a week ago I was looking up email addresses in my mom's mail program and I went looking through her emails. I looked in the draft folder and this is what I found...

Dear Jessi,
Who am I that God looked down on me and decided that I would be given the privilege of raising such a wonderful person and be blessed continually for it? Even though I know in my heart it is time for you to leave this house, I will miss you.

She never sent it or by the looks of it finished it. Maybe she came and talked to me or maybe I walked into the room as she was typing... I have no idea. All I know is I am glad to have found this.

I miss my mom today. I miss her everyday but today I can feel the weight of missing her. The day went by with little fanfare and maybe that is why I miss her more today. She knew me so well and she was able to make each holiday special. It's hard to lose the person that knew you the best.

1 comment:

Paco said...

Small little things like that are what make life special. Everyone wants to be the one who "made the big splash", but I know that someone's kindness and small gestures of love and friendship are what leave permanent marks on my life. I love you PJ. I am here for you.