Wednesday, November 12, 2008

4 years today

It's hard to believe it's been 4 years since my mom passed away. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday and other times I feel like it's always been this way... on rare occasions I forget she is gone. I miss her tremendously and I still (and will always) have days or times when I cry thinking about her missing out on stuff. I will always feel a hole in my life that she once occupied. I will always smile and cringe simultaneously when I see mothers and daughters shopping together. I had a wonderful life with her and I will treasure every moment and memory. It's only because it was so wonderful that it hurts this bad. With great love comes great loss.

Adam and I chatted about how you are supposed to feel on these days... I always want to feel angry, mad at the world, pissy and just a general 'leave me alone' attitude. I want to but I rarely do. I get caught up in the day and what needs to be done. I (now) look at my son and think 'what needs do I need to fulfill for him?'. I go about my day content and generally pleased with my life. This really crappy thing happened 4 years ago on this day but truly my life is good. I have a great husband, a wonderful son, family beyond measure and friends any which way I look.

Here are just a few pictures:

Mom's High School graduation 1969!


Easter 1984


Christmas 1989


No particular holiday... just a family shot... around the 95 - 96 era. BTW, I still miss those sandals... totally wore them into the ground!

So like I said, I get caught up in the day. Today is about packing for one of the best weddings I will ever attend, grocery shopping and making food so daddy has an easier time with Chase this weekend and taking Chase to the doctor. Oh yeah, forgot to mention... little man has been running a fever since Monday. That coupled with some other issues... mama suspects infection. We shall see. If you think about it, please say a quick prayer around 2ish! Thanks!

10 comments:

AmyJean said...

You are right, with great love is great loss...and i'm glad that you realize how wonderful your life is, even with this huge part missing... i only met your mom once or twice, but i can say she had the ability to light up a room w/her smile and i definitely see that you (and chase) both got that from her! Through you, her memory continues ...

Good wishes for Chase's doc visit! :)

Paul said...

Four years! Wow. You're right seems like no time at all and a lifetime. I still miss her a lot.

Dad.

Michelle said...

My dad past away 4 years ago this January, so I know exactly what you are going through. Even though our relationship wasn't as close as you and your mom's when he died, it wasn't always that way. I grew up being Daddy's little girl and I miss him terribly. There have been times where I see someone on the street that looks exactly like he did and it always takes me a second to realize that it's not him.

I hope that you are able get through this day without too many tears, and that it gets easier for you with each passing year.

Changing the subject now, first I have to say that I have a picture of myself where I look exactly like you do in the Easter one in '84. Seriously, I could have been your twin at that age, and second I had that same pair of sandals in high school and I LOVED them as well. Weird!

SissyKristin said...

i can't believe how much you look like your mom. that first picture i honestly thought was you. SO pretty. absolutely beautiful and honest post and i'm thinking about you today. cherish today with chase and adam. xoxo

asuthrngrl said...

It doesn't seem like 4 years. Geez, it seems like yesterday we went to that fancy dinner with her and Paul. I enjoyed the way she cared about me like another kid! I will never forget her Jessi...And as far as how you are "supposed" to feel today...HOWEVER you want. Losing Emilee taught me that my emotions are mine, and grief doesn't have a timetable. I am thinking about you today, and if there is one thing to remember and hope for, it is that we could be incredible moms like she was to you! Love you lots.

Jason Mallare said...

jessi, i can't even imagine. you are so strong to overcome the "mad at the world" feelings. praying for you guys!

Jason Mallare said...

oh yeah and that comment from jason is really from di

Johnnie Avocado said...

I'm sure that your memories are wonderful. It must be hard loosing a parent. I'm very close to both of my parents. You guys are in my thoughts.

KaraB said...

Clicked off of this about three times before I could get through the whole thing. God bless you..your spirit is so strong and beautiful like I know your mom's was. OK, crying again. Your strength amazes me. You are in my prayers all day!!

kathi said...

I understand how hard it is. Your mom sure left behind a great testimony, though, to what a great mom she was...you. Love the pictures, she was beautiful.

Praying for Chase.