This past week has been a really hard one.
A few people have asked me how I am doing not having my mom around for my pregnancy and I have been answering that I haven't really thought about it yet. Consciously I think that is true. I haven't let myself think too much about my mom missing this and what not having her here means to me... I just focus on Peabert and how happy this is making me. I have consciously pushed out thoughts about my mom. Unfortunately that damn subconscious sneaks in and wrecks what you have worked so hard to avoid. I have been so angry the past week... no matter who or what is going on, there is something that annoys me that once I pick it up, I can't for the life of me put it down. It's almost like I can see the insanity that I am creating in my world but I couldn't stop it.
I spoke with a friend on Saturday and through our conversation I figured that my anger is more about my mom and is just playing out in my relationships... apparently your subconscious will get your feelings out, no matter how much you try to avoid them. Just knowing that a lot of my anger is misdirected has helped me put some of it down.
This is precisely what happened in Nov 05 when I hit a height of angry that I never want to get to again. I was pretty unrecognizable actually. I finally saw that the anger I had for my moms death was spilling into my life and making me and everyone close to me miserable.
Where that leaves feelings of my mom I am not sure... theoretically, if I am angry that needs to come out somewhere... too bad kickboxing is out of the picture now... I wonder how much 'angry' you can expend through walking ;~) When I think on it more... I find myself subscribing to the theory that anger is only there if you let it be. So with that theory, I choose to not be angry (a little sad here and there but not angry).