Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Rough Week

This past week has been a really hard one.

A few people have asked me how I am doing not having my mom around for my pregnancy and I have been answering that I haven't really thought about it yet. Consciously I think that is true. I haven't let myself think too much about my mom missing this and what not having her here means to me... I just focus on Peabert and how happy this is making me. I have consciously pushed out thoughts about my mom. Unfortunately that damn subconscious sneaks in and wrecks what you have worked so hard to avoid. I have been so angry the past week... no matter who or what is going on, there is something that annoys me that once I pick it up, I can't for the life of me put it down. It's almost like I can see the insanity that I am creating in my world but I couldn't stop it.

I spoke with a friend on Saturday and through our conversation I figured that my anger is more about my mom and is just playing out in my relationships... apparently your subconscious will get your feelings out, no matter how much you try to avoid them. Just knowing that a lot of my anger is misdirected has helped me put some of it down.

This is precisely what happened in Nov 05 when I hit a height of angry that I never want to get to again. I was pretty unrecognizable actually. I finally saw that the anger I had for my moms death was spilling into my life and making me and everyone close to me miserable.

Where that leaves feelings of my mom I am not sure... theoretically, if I am angry that needs to come out somewhere... too bad kickboxing is out of the picture now... I wonder how much 'angry' you can expend through walking ;~) When I think on it more... I find myself subscribing to the theory that anger is only there if you let it be. So with that theory, I choose to not be angry (a little sad here and there but not angry).


TortfeasorG said...

Great insights honey. I love you and our little Peabert/LimefeasorG... I know it sucks going through this without your Mom. I know how much you looked forward to having her around for this. I'll let you kickbox on me every now and then if you promise not to make it hurt too bad!

kathi said...

First thing is that your hormones are out of whack!! Babe, your body is going through all kinds of things and it's going to have a huge effect on your emotions. Please mention this to your doctor. PLEASE.
Secondly, it's only my opinion, but I believe your mom IS going through this with you. I believe she passed 'on' not 'away'. She may not be able to physically hold your hand, but she's holding you in love all the same. Love never ever disappears. She's with you.

I love and adore you, and I love this baby. Be blessed and enjoy every day of this pregnancy, it's such a gift!

LoveLladro said...

father of limefeasorg - i am really lucky to have you through this... you totally win the best husband ever award ;~)

kathi - thanks for the sweet words... i wish i could blame this on hormones but it really isn't that... this is a trend i get myself into every so often... trust me when i say it really isn't a hormone thing ;~) thanks for your opinion too! i believe that my mom left me with a lot of wisdom and love and that will carry me through not having her around ;~)