3 months old and already partying
chillaxin'
Chase and Rosco hangin'
Future DEA agent...
and Rosco is his partner!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Pictures!
3 months old and already partying
chillaxin'
Chase and Rosco hangin'
Future DEA agent...
and Rosco is his partner!
Friday, January 18, 2008
Catch 22
I am at a crossroad here... if Chase sleeps in his bouncy chair next to my bed then I get around 7 hours of sleep at night... if I put him in his crib then I get 2-4 hours with no guarantee of multiple sleep sessions! I really want to see Chase sleeping in his own room but after 6 nights of 'iffy at best' sleep, I relented and he slept in our room last night ;~)
Anyone have any thoughts... should I stick out the lack of sleep to push him into sleeping in his own room or get the sleep and try again in a week or so?
Anyone have any thoughts... should I stick out the lack of sleep to push him into sleeping in his own room or get the sleep and try again in a week or so?
Saturday, January 12, 2008
3.6 Miles for a Picture
It was so gorgeous today that Adam, Chase, Riley and I decided to go on a walk. I guess Adam and I decided and Chase and Riley were just along for the ride. Anywho...
Ever since we had Chase we have noticed a particular sign and we have wanted to get a picture of Chase sitting on it. So on our walk we thought now was as good a time as any... we didn't know it was 1.8 miles from our home when we started. It was all worth it though...
Ever since we had Chase we have noticed a particular sign and we have wanted to get a picture of Chase sitting on it. So on our walk we thought now was as good a time as any... we didn't know it was 1.8 miles from our home when we started. It was all worth it though...
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Last Day
Today is my official last day at Ad.com. My maternity leave was up 6 weeks after I had Chase but technically you are employed through the last day of your FMLA. Today is my last day! I am officially a stay at home mom which has been my desire ever since I can remember knowing what a career was.
So far it's been great! I feel more free than I have ever felt and most of all, I love that wherever I am, I can look over and see Chase. I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world. I am so thankful that the Lord has provided in such a way that Adam and I can make this a reality. I am also thankful to the Lord for giving me a husband that wants this as much as I do. I feel so blessed.
Don't get me wrong, I plan on having Jessi time. I don't want my only identity to be "Chase's Mom". I have noticed some sign language courses in the community college schedule and I really want to check into getting some sort of degree or certificate. I am also going to start attending a bible study on Tuesday mornings with some other women from the church. I also have plans for a mommy and me swim class (as soon as I locate one) for Chase and I so that I can get him swimming as soon as possible. I think our days will become quite full and fun! Not to mention the scrapbooking! I can't wait to get back into that. I can't even begin to imagine how far behind I am ;~)
Anyway, for today I am content with saying goodbye to my old job and hello to my new career.
So far it's been great! I feel more free than I have ever felt and most of all, I love that wherever I am, I can look over and see Chase. I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world. I am so thankful that the Lord has provided in such a way that Adam and I can make this a reality. I am also thankful to the Lord for giving me a husband that wants this as much as I do. I feel so blessed.
Don't get me wrong, I plan on having Jessi time. I don't want my only identity to be "Chase's Mom". I have noticed some sign language courses in the community college schedule and I really want to check into getting some sort of degree or certificate. I am also going to start attending a bible study on Tuesday mornings with some other women from the church. I also have plans for a mommy and me swim class (as soon as I locate one) for Chase and I so that I can get him swimming as soon as possible. I think our days will become quite full and fun! Not to mention the scrapbooking! I can't wait to get back into that. I can't even begin to imagine how far behind I am ;~)
Anyway, for today I am content with saying goodbye to my old job and hello to my new career.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Lesson Learned
I am not allowed to watch crime show dramas anymore. Adam went to bed early because he is feeling sick but I stayed up with little man and watched a couple TV shows... including Law and Order SVU. Yep, not a good idea. I know that it is made up and everything I am seeing is make up (the artists should get an award for the realism) but it doesn't make a difference. The subject matter still gets into my head and causes me fear. When I am nervous walking with my baby from the living room to the bedroom, something needs to change (for those of you that know my apartment, you know that is an incredibly short walk and shouldn't even have enough time to cause fear ;~)
I know this about myself when it comes to movies... I don't go see anything that I deem scary and I am the judge and jury when it comes to what is scary, no matter the peer pressure. For some reason, I didn't apply this logic to TV and started watching the Law and Orders and the Without a Traces... no more though. I can't have my head filled with fear. I am sticking to Biggest Loser and Extreme Makeover Home Edition.
I know this about myself when it comes to movies... I don't go see anything that I deem scary and I am the judge and jury when it comes to what is scary, no matter the peer pressure. For some reason, I didn't apply this logic to TV and started watching the Law and Orders and the Without a Traces... no more though. I can't have my head filled with fear. I am sticking to Biggest Loser and Extreme Makeover Home Edition.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Today's Service
This mornings service was from Matthew 6: 25-34 and it really made an impact on me so I thought I would share some of the points given...
1. Life is more than food. Life is more than clothing. (v.25)
2. You are more valuable than the birds. (v. 26)
3. Anxiety accomplishes nothing. (v. 27)
4. Anxiety is worldly. (v. 31)
5. Your heavenly father knows what you need. (v. 32)
6. God will supply all that you need. (v. 33)
7. God does not overload any day with trouble. (v. 34)
I wish I could capture the passion this sermon was given with... it was very moving.
As was a friends testimony at the end of the service. Sylvia got up in front of the congregation to share her story. It starts with a diagnosis of stage 4 Hodgkin's disease 3 weeks after her college graduation. She tells of her struggles and all the people in her corner to help her through it. Then she tells how she beat the cancer and how wonderful that was. Then last Christmas she lost her father, mother and younger brother in one horrific car accident. She spoke how it felt to have half her family taken away in one instant. She also spoke about how she dreaded each milestone she crossed without her family... and how once she got to that day, it wasn't great but it wasn't worth the worry and the anxiety she gave it. She spoke about approaching Christmas day and how she was not going to worry. When the day came it was worse than she imagined. She laid crying Why God? After some tears she sat up and prayed and Christ comforted her. It was still a hard day but she made it through... Christ did not give her more than she could bear. She really did an amazing job and I cried for her at the end... tears of pride, not pity. Christ doesn't promise us an easy life if we follow Him. What He does promise is comfort and love.
1. Life is more than food. Life is more than clothing. (v.25)
2. You are more valuable than the birds. (v. 26)
3. Anxiety accomplishes nothing. (v. 27)
4. Anxiety is worldly. (v. 31)
5. Your heavenly father knows what you need. (v. 32)
6. God will supply all that you need. (v. 33)
7. God does not overload any day with trouble. (v. 34)
I wish I could capture the passion this sermon was given with... it was very moving.
As was a friends testimony at the end of the service. Sylvia got up in front of the congregation to share her story. It starts with a diagnosis of stage 4 Hodgkin's disease 3 weeks after her college graduation. She tells of her struggles and all the people in her corner to help her through it. Then she tells how she beat the cancer and how wonderful that was. Then last Christmas she lost her father, mother and younger brother in one horrific car accident. She spoke how it felt to have half her family taken away in one instant. She also spoke about how she dreaded each milestone she crossed without her family... and how once she got to that day, it wasn't great but it wasn't worth the worry and the anxiety she gave it. She spoke about approaching Christmas day and how she was not going to worry. When the day came it was worse than she imagined. She laid crying Why God? After some tears she sat up and prayed and Christ comforted her. It was still a hard day but she made it through... Christ did not give her more than she could bear. She really did an amazing job and I cried for her at the end... tears of pride, not pity. Christ doesn't promise us an easy life if we follow Him. What He does promise is comfort and love.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
It starts without a plan
We had ideas of what we should do today. Dad and Stacie were back at work so Adam and I were on our own. We decided to head back down to Fisherman's Wharf and we would just go wherever the wind took us... apparently the wind didn't feel like taking us anywhere. We floundered around the wharf for a little while... saw some break-dancing and window shopped. We stopped to feed Chase (I am getting excellent at doing this in public, discreetly of course!)... then about 10 steps later we had to change him... and I mean pants and all!
Then food for Adam and I... about an hour later we still didn't know where to eat. Finally we settled on Knuckles which was your basic bar food... nothing special but it was good. We decide to head home (it's about 5ish at this point). We hop on the #10 MUNI bus which will drop us a few blocks from dads place. It is an almost empty bus and we have a stroller all set up. As we get going we quickly realize that this is not going to be as easy as we thought. People are packing into this bus... and when I say packing, I mean crowd surfing would have been a breeze... no chance of falling through. Luckily, we are sitting but we decide that in order to get out of the bus we will have to breakdown the stroller and each carry a portion of it out. As we decide this, Chase starts screaming. We have one VERY hungry baby with a bus full of VERY exhausted working people who I am sure, do not want to listen to Chase scream for the next 20 blocks. As quick as I could, I tucked him into my jacket and proceeded to feed him. Just like that, silence from Chase! I am sure everyone on the bus was glad that I am a nursing mom ;~) I know I was!
So as I am feeding, we take the diaper bag off the stroller, pull off the carseat and work on collapsing the main part of the stroller which was impeded by a blanket in the bottom basket. We are doing all this in a 1 ft. by 2 ft space. Finally we have a collapsed stroller, a carseat, a sleeping baby in the carseat (thank the Lord!) and a huge diaper bag. Oh and the entire time we are doing this, Adam is tracking our movement on his Garmin so we know when we should get off the bus so that we are the closest to dad's place. At 3rd and Townsend we make our way out of the bus just loudly saying that we need to get through and that we are sorry. We fall off the bus (I think I hit about 80 people on the way out) and we are finally free. Some guy walks by and said "You guys are brave"... nope just stupid.
Lesson learned, do NOT travel on public transportation during commuting hours... and especially when you have a stroller.
On the way home we stop to get Huggies Natural Fit #2 diapers because the Huggies Snug and Dry #2's that we picked up at the beginning of the week are neither snug NOR dry. We got the Snug and Dry because they didn't have the Natural Fit at Safeway and we figured they would preform similarly... not quite. So we stop at Walgreens and lo and behold, no Huggies Natural Fit #2's.... they have Natural Fit Newborn, Natural Fit #3's, 4's and 5's... #2 are the only ones they don't have! Am I getting across the insanity and frustration of this! We decide #3's will have to fit because we cannot continue like this. I think San Francisco has something against the Natural Fit #2. I am writing to Arnold.
In all honesty, it's been a great trip so far and we have had a wonderful time... even the bus ride home today! It's definitely a story worthy to be told as a family legend.
Tomorrow we head to Cupertino to see Apple headquarters (aka Adam's mecca) and then to Google to see dad (aka Adam's other mecca).
Then food for Adam and I... about an hour later we still didn't know where to eat. Finally we settled on Knuckles which was your basic bar food... nothing special but it was good. We decide to head home (it's about 5ish at this point). We hop on the #10 MUNI bus which will drop us a few blocks from dads place. It is an almost empty bus and we have a stroller all set up. As we get going we quickly realize that this is not going to be as easy as we thought. People are packing into this bus... and when I say packing, I mean crowd surfing would have been a breeze... no chance of falling through. Luckily, we are sitting but we decide that in order to get out of the bus we will have to breakdown the stroller and each carry a portion of it out. As we decide this, Chase starts screaming. We have one VERY hungry baby with a bus full of VERY exhausted working people who I am sure, do not want to listen to Chase scream for the next 20 blocks. As quick as I could, I tucked him into my jacket and proceeded to feed him. Just like that, silence from Chase! I am sure everyone on the bus was glad that I am a nursing mom ;~) I know I was!
So as I am feeding, we take the diaper bag off the stroller, pull off the carseat and work on collapsing the main part of the stroller which was impeded by a blanket in the bottom basket. We are doing all this in a 1 ft. by 2 ft space. Finally we have a collapsed stroller, a carseat, a sleeping baby in the carseat (thank the Lord!) and a huge diaper bag. Oh and the entire time we are doing this, Adam is tracking our movement on his Garmin so we know when we should get off the bus so that we are the closest to dad's place. At 3rd and Townsend we make our way out of the bus just loudly saying that we need to get through and that we are sorry. We fall off the bus (I think I hit about 80 people on the way out) and we are finally free. Some guy walks by and said "You guys are brave"... nope just stupid.
Lesson learned, do NOT travel on public transportation during commuting hours... and especially when you have a stroller.
On the way home we stop to get Huggies Natural Fit #2 diapers because the Huggies Snug and Dry #2's that we picked up at the beginning of the week are neither snug NOR dry. We got the Snug and Dry because they didn't have the Natural Fit at Safeway and we figured they would preform similarly... not quite. So we stop at Walgreens and lo and behold, no Huggies Natural Fit #2's.... they have Natural Fit Newborn, Natural Fit #3's, 4's and 5's... #2 are the only ones they don't have! Am I getting across the insanity and frustration of this! We decide #3's will have to fit because we cannot continue like this. I think San Francisco has something against the Natural Fit #2. I am writing to Arnold.
In all honesty, it's been a great trip so far and we have had a wonderful time... even the bus ride home today! It's definitely a story worthy to be told as a family legend.
Tomorrow we head to Cupertino to see Apple headquarters (aka Adam's mecca) and then to Google to see dad (aka Adam's other mecca).
Monday, December 31, 2007
Life in CA
We survived the trip out to SF! Actually Chase did great on the flight (both of them!) The air pressure didn't bother him in the least.
Here is Chase taking daddy's seat! In reality he was on our laps the entire flight. On the flight from Baltimore to Ft Worth we asked for seats A and C with the hopes that no one would sit in B and it worked! We had all 3 seats to ourselves!
Here we are meeting up with dad in the airport!
Here we are in at El Dorado in Sonoma and dad is drinking a Leatherface Mary. Basically this drink is hot sauce with habanero vodka... that green blob is a roasted jalepeno. I took one SMALL sip and was feeling it for at least 15 minutes! Very yummy!
So far we have had a great time. Sunday we went to Sonoma Valley... we visited the lot where my Aunt Winne and Uncle Bob are building a cottage (gorgeous BTW!), we toured Gloria Ferrer winery, ate at El Dorado and walked around the main square.
Yesterday Adam, Chase, Dad and I toured around SF, mainly around Fisherman's Wharf and Ghiradelli Square ... we took the Muni, a streetcar and the cable car.
Dad took this picture of us on the cable car! Yep, that is us hanging off the side with Chase strapped into the Bjorn! I was extremely nervous but it ended up being a great ride! Chase really liked the cable car... except when it stopped, then he got mad ;~) The Bjorn is definitely one of the best gifts we received! Every parent should have one!
More to come! We are headed to Muir Woods today!
Here is Chase taking daddy's seat! In reality he was on our laps the entire flight. On the flight from Baltimore to Ft Worth we asked for seats A and C with the hopes that no one would sit in B and it worked! We had all 3 seats to ourselves!
Here we are meeting up with dad in the airport!
Here we are in at El Dorado in Sonoma and dad is drinking a Leatherface Mary. Basically this drink is hot sauce with habanero vodka... that green blob is a roasted jalepeno. I took one SMALL sip and was feeling it for at least 15 minutes! Very yummy!
So far we have had a great time. Sunday we went to Sonoma Valley... we visited the lot where my Aunt Winne and Uncle Bob are building a cottage (gorgeous BTW!), we toured Gloria Ferrer winery, ate at El Dorado and walked around the main square.
Yesterday Adam, Chase, Dad and I toured around SF, mainly around Fisherman's Wharf and Ghiradelli Square ... we took the Muni, a streetcar and the cable car.
Dad took this picture of us on the cable car! Yep, that is us hanging off the side with Chase strapped into the Bjorn! I was extremely nervous but it ended up being a great ride! Chase really liked the cable car... except when it stopped, then he got mad ;~) The Bjorn is definitely one of the best gifts we received! Every parent should have one!
More to come! We are headed to Muir Woods today!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Busy Busy Busy!
We are leaving tomorrow for San Francisco to visit my dad and Stacie! Today and yesterday are all about packing and making sure we are ready to go. In a few hours Riley will be heading to the kennel... don't worry, he loves it! I actually cried the first time I took him because he didn't give me a second thought... just walked back with no problem!
Just wanted to touch base... I am off to get some more packing done and maybe even get a shower! Wahoo!
Oh and here is Chase with his Christmas present from daddy and I. If you press one paw, daddy says something and if you press the other, I say something. Love Build A Bear!
Just wanted to touch base... I am off to get some more packing done and maybe even get a shower! Wahoo!
Oh and here is Chase with his Christmas present from daddy and I. If you press one paw, daddy says something and if you press the other, I say something. Love Build A Bear!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Our little crossdresser
The young marrieds bible study had our traditional Christmas party last night. Unbelievably I think we were about 17 couples strong... and a few couples had to miss it! We have 2 groups but we may need to reorganize and split again! Babies were the theme this year since at this time last year Kristen was the only one pregnant and she was only 4 months! Now we have Ava Grace, Chase and Lilyanna among us and Anna Stuart is on her way!
Close the start of the evening Chase spit up on his shirt and upon changing his diaper we discovered that he 'leaked through' onto his pants... so we switched outfits... a cute little sleeper outfit, which about 10 minutes later he annihilated with some extreme spitting up... so now we are down to a onesie. I honestly thought I had enough clothes... go figure. The onesie, while cute, was not enough coverage, his little legs were chilly. So beautiful and gracious Lilyana lent Chase one of her sleepers... hence our little crossdresser!
Diane picked a very gender neutral one but Adam and I are still enjoying the fact that Chase is technically a crossdresser. We are such great parents!
Thank you Diane and Lily!
Close the start of the evening Chase spit up on his shirt and upon changing his diaper we discovered that he 'leaked through' onto his pants... so we switched outfits... a cute little sleeper outfit, which about 10 minutes later he annihilated with some extreme spitting up... so now we are down to a onesie. I honestly thought I had enough clothes... go figure. The onesie, while cute, was not enough coverage, his little legs were chilly. So beautiful and gracious Lilyana lent Chase one of her sleepers... hence our little crossdresser!
Diane picked a very gender neutral one but Adam and I are still enjoying the fact that Chase is technically a crossdresser. We are such great parents!
Thank you Diane and Lily!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Sunday, December 09, 2007
6 hours!
Ladies and Gentlemen... Chase and I slept for 6 straight hours last night. From 2 am until 8 am we peacefully slumbered. Boy does it feel good!
Perhaps Chase's ability to sleep so long has something to do with partying it up at 'the manse'. He's learning to be a real party animal...
Center of attention much?
Chase and Marat partying it up...
Chase's Christmas present from the Combs ;~)
In other happenings... Chase and Lilyanna had their first playdate on Friday. Don't they look just adorable together???
However, back at the homestead, Anna seems to be laying claim to Chase's affections. This is Chase's first EVER Christmas present. In case it isn't clear, it says "Anna Stuart is my home girl" You know he will be wearing that when he meets her for the first time!
Perhaps Chase's ability to sleep so long has something to do with partying it up at 'the manse'. He's learning to be a real party animal...
Center of attention much?
Chase and Marat partying it up...
Chase's Christmas present from the Combs ;~)
In other happenings... Chase and Lilyanna had their first playdate on Friday. Don't they look just adorable together???
However, back at the homestead, Anna seems to be laying claim to Chase's affections. This is Chase's first EVER Christmas present. In case it isn't clear, it says "Anna Stuart is my home girl" You know he will be wearing that when he meets her for the first time!
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Snow, Ad.com and Sleep
Chase's first snowfall!
Chase chillin with Rachel
Chase visiting Lisa, Erin and Stacy from HR and Karen from Legal.
This is the face of someone who let me sleep, and slept himself from
12 to 4 and then again from 6:45 to 9:30! Yay for us!
This is the face if my midnight companion!
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
The Playdates Begin
First things first... Thanks to everyone for the kind words and support. Sometimes bearing your deepest feelings is the only way to get past them. I have been feeling much lighter and more ready to take things as they come.
Kristen came to visit yesterday and so begins the playdate mania!
Ava and Chase chilling on the couch... perhaps we should institute the 12 in rule now!
Chase getting ready for a bath and Riley attempting to help clean him. Riley really is a protector of Chase... it's been great that we haven't had to do anything to train Riley to accept Chase.
We are starting to spend more time on the playmat that Aunt Becky bought Chase. So far he isn't extremely interested but I am sure that will change over time.
Here is daddy's little man with daddy's hat on. This kid couldn't be any cuter ;~)
I am going to take Chase to Ad.com today. Most people there haven't met him yet so this should be fun.
Kristen came to visit yesterday and so begins the playdate mania!
Ava and Chase chilling on the couch... perhaps we should institute the 12 in rule now!
Chase getting ready for a bath and Riley attempting to help clean him. Riley really is a protector of Chase... it's been great that we haven't had to do anything to train Riley to accept Chase.
We are starting to spend more time on the playmat that Aunt Becky bought Chase. So far he isn't extremely interested but I am sure that will change over time.
Here is daddy's little man with daddy's hat on. This kid couldn't be any cuter ;~)
I am going to take Chase to Ad.com today. Most people there haven't met him yet so this should be fun.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Been meaning to post this...
Last Saturday (Nov 24) Nancy celebrated her wedding with a huge party to which Adam, Chase and I were invited! Here are pictures of Chase at his first shindig ;~)
Thanks for a great party and Congrats! I couldn't be happier for you and Dave!
Thanks for a great party and Congrats! I couldn't be happier for you and Dave!
More medicine
So as it turns out, Chase has thrush... which also affects me since I am breastfeeding. Adam and I started to put the pieces together this past Sat... Chase's mouth has the white rash (which masks itself as milk residue but doesn't go away), and he has a general grouchiness about him... I have sore nipples still and that shouldn't still be happening this far into breastfeeding. Actually, I saw my PA/friend on Sun and she noted that I have severely cracked nipples (she was actually aghast at them... yay me!). So basically what I have here is the perfect storm of baby/mommy issues. Gas problems, acid reflux, thrush, nipple issues and breast pain... all which result in almost constant pain for me, extreme fussiness from Chase and no sleeping or sleeping only on me from Chase which results in very little sleeping for me. Couple all this with some VERY unrealistic expectations that I had in my abilities and this has been a rough 6 weeks.
I have always been around children and more than that I have always been around babies. I spent countless hours babysitting one family in particular (love the B's!) and I helped welcome 3 of our their children home from the hospital... I was holding them when they were days and hours old. So having all this experience and knowledge, I figured that I would be ahead of the game when it came to motherhood. 'Bring it on... I got it' was my mentality... which leaves very little room for humility. As it turns out, I don't know everything and I shouldn't need to be the best at this. I am learning (through forced realization) that it is ok for me not to have this all figured out. I can just be a first time mom struggling to figure out how to live life with a newborn.
The funny thing is... if I didn't have such a demanding, sick (for lack of a better term) and fussy baby, I wouldn't have learned this lesson. Rick G* spoke about leaving and arriving this past Sun... how you can't arrive somewhere new without first leaving... which makes leaving not such a bad proposition. I think this is my 'leaving'. I need to leave the notion that I have to be supermom and that I have all this figured out and I have to 'arrive' at being a new mom with struggles and consequently, lean on God for my strength and knowledge. Now to put this in practice... that's always the harder part ;~)
I have also been struggling with this idea that I would instantly be bonded with my child. I thought the moment I met Chase I would have this instant connection and that nothing he did would make me sad. I wish I could say that but over the past 6 weeks its been a getting to know you game. Don't get me wrong... I love my son fiercely and if anyone were to try and harm him... well there is nothing like a mother's wrath so watch out. However, there are times when he is crying that I don't know what to do with him... I have to just put him down and walk into the other room for a moment... which makes me feel like the worst mom and I am sure Chase doesn't feel great about it. There are times where I didn't feel like I could go on breastfeeding and I hated the idea that I had to feed him again... generally within 3 hours... a lot of those times I saw stars when he latched on and I would just cry. Fortunately my commitment to breastfeeding has continued to win out because I really wanted to do this but there were times I really wanted to quit. All of this made me feel more like a caregiver than his mother and I was sure that I was ruining our bond by not feeling the right way.
I talked to Christine about this one day and she reminded me that I just met Chase and we are both seeing the worst in each other right now because we aren't getting a lot of sleep and everything is new. She reminded me that developing a relationship with someone takes time... that I can love and fiercely want to protect my child but an actual relationship is work and takes time. Seems apparent enough but her telling me that really helped.
Saying all this is really difficult because I feel exposed and somewhat vulnerable but I have been keeping a lot of this in (with the exception of Adam who knows me inside and out ;~) but regardless.... keeping this all between him and I is making me insane. Sometimes it just feels better to open up and get everything off your chest.
Thanks for listening! And here is a recent picture of my handsome man... BTW... he is 10 lbs and 14 oz at last check... growing like a weed!
*It's not up yet but it will be soon enough if you are interested, the link to the Sermon Archives is here. Just scroll down and search by speaker... Rick G. He is a great pastor and will be sorely missed!
I have always been around children and more than that I have always been around babies. I spent countless hours babysitting one family in particular (love the B's!) and I helped welcome 3 of our their children home from the hospital... I was holding them when they were days and hours old. So having all this experience and knowledge, I figured that I would be ahead of the game when it came to motherhood. 'Bring it on... I got it' was my mentality... which leaves very little room for humility. As it turns out, I don't know everything and I shouldn't need to be the best at this. I am learning (through forced realization) that it is ok for me not to have this all figured out. I can just be a first time mom struggling to figure out how to live life with a newborn.
The funny thing is... if I didn't have such a demanding, sick (for lack of a better term) and fussy baby, I wouldn't have learned this lesson. Rick G* spoke about leaving and arriving this past Sun... how you can't arrive somewhere new without first leaving... which makes leaving not such a bad proposition. I think this is my 'leaving'. I need to leave the notion that I have to be supermom and that I have all this figured out and I have to 'arrive' at being a new mom with struggles and consequently, lean on God for my strength and knowledge. Now to put this in practice... that's always the harder part ;~)
I have also been struggling with this idea that I would instantly be bonded with my child. I thought the moment I met Chase I would have this instant connection and that nothing he did would make me sad. I wish I could say that but over the past 6 weeks its been a getting to know you game. Don't get me wrong... I love my son fiercely and if anyone were to try and harm him... well there is nothing like a mother's wrath so watch out. However, there are times when he is crying that I don't know what to do with him... I have to just put him down and walk into the other room for a moment... which makes me feel like the worst mom and I am sure Chase doesn't feel great about it. There are times where I didn't feel like I could go on breastfeeding and I hated the idea that I had to feed him again... generally within 3 hours... a lot of those times I saw stars when he latched on and I would just cry. Fortunately my commitment to breastfeeding has continued to win out because I really wanted to do this but there were times I really wanted to quit. All of this made me feel more like a caregiver than his mother and I was sure that I was ruining our bond by not feeling the right way.
I talked to Christine about this one day and she reminded me that I just met Chase and we are both seeing the worst in each other right now because we aren't getting a lot of sleep and everything is new. She reminded me that developing a relationship with someone takes time... that I can love and fiercely want to protect my child but an actual relationship is work and takes time. Seems apparent enough but her telling me that really helped.
Saying all this is really difficult because I feel exposed and somewhat vulnerable but I have been keeping a lot of this in (with the exception of Adam who knows me inside and out ;~) but regardless.... keeping this all between him and I is making me insane. Sometimes it just feels better to open up and get everything off your chest.
Thanks for listening! And here is a recent picture of my handsome man... BTW... he is 10 lbs and 14 oz at last check... growing like a weed!
*It's not up yet but it will be soon enough if you are interested, the link to the Sermon Archives is here. Just scroll down and search by speaker... Rick G. He is a great pastor and will be sorely missed!
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