Quota

I have to start by saying that I had a great time out tonight. Dinner was awesome because I was able to carry on a full conversation. I didn't have to remind Chase to finish what he was eating or ask "do you need to sit in time-out... well then please stop screaming, thank you". I didn't have to cut anything into small pieces or pretend his food was actually my food just so he would take a bite. I was able to just sit there and enjoy great friends, good food and fun conversation.

I am pretty sure we were the rowdy bunch too... a bit too loud I am sure but that's what you get when you give a mom freedom for the night!

The movie was great too... although I may be biased because Ryan was in it...

It was a definite chick flick but it wasn't near as wonky as other ones out there (*cough* Ghost of Girlfriends Past *cough*). It had a sharp wit, good timing and awesome acting. The storyline was sweet and cute, not at all promiscuously creepy like GofGP. Can you tell I wasn't a fan of GofGP? I digress...

The problems came somewhere between the movie and the drive home... this feeling came over me. This profound sense of loss and loneliness. I hate even typing this because I know I am surrounded by so many good friends... and for that I am truly grateful.

On the flip side though... I am very alone when it comes to my family. I know, you have probably heard this before. If you are sick of my complaining please feel free to stop reading... I won't be offended. I will however, continue to write because if I don't, I fear I will never stop crying.

I have no mom.

My birth father didn't make the effort to see me... and he was within an hour and a half from me.

My aunt is stuck in her own misery.

My cousins can't see past the bitterness in their own lives.

Everyone in my family just exists... they exist around each other but not with each other.

I feel like I am running out of family.

I am waiting for the ball to drop.

I am always waiting for the phone call.

I am waiting for Chase to be taken from me.

I am not sure I will ever be ok.

I feel like a broken record. Every few months I cry. Cry for my loss. Cry for my fear. Just cry.

Will this ever go away? Will this ever be ok? Will I ever really accept this?

People don't understand why I need to hear from Adam... why if I don't, I start to panic.

I feel like we should have reached our quota... there is no way we will experience more loss... we have had too much already. But I know better... there is no magic number. We haven't hit a quota... there is no quota. We are still just as susceptible as the next person and that scares me.

I don't know if I could handle it again... I can barely handle it now.

I am really sorry to be such a downer but it isn't all sunshine and roses in my head.